It was one of those flukey things that we've all experienced at some point in our lives.
While lying in bed
last night, one of the fillings in my teeth started to receive radio
transmissions that reverberated inside my skull. If I turned my head in
the direction of Washington D.C., I seemed to be tuned into one of
President Nixon's covert listening devices in the Oval Office that,
somehow, the Secret Service had failed to remove.
President Bush: So, here's what I'm a gonna do. First thing, I'm a gonna sic John Negroponte on Jim Baker and have his boys give Jimmy a little “pink belly”. Then, just to prove that I'm the decider, and that nobody's going to push me around, instead of pulling out, I'm gonna decide to increase the troops in Iraq by another 20,000. Karl, what d'ya think of that?
Condoleezza Rice: Uh, Mr. President, Karl's still locked up downstairs in the White House wine cellar. Remember, that's where we put him for not fixing the voting machines by a wide enough margin?
President Bush: Oh, yeah, well, what d'ya think, Bob, 20,000 more grunts ought to do it, huh? Condi, make sure Karl gets a little fresh bread and water once in a while.
Robert Gates: Well, maybe we can do a temporary ‘surge’ of soldiers for, say, like a long weekend? Put them in on Friday, blast everything in sight, and pull them out again Sunday night? But maybe we ought to talk to Jim Baker first.
President Bush: Don't mention that traitor's name again! Do you want to join Karl in the White House wine cellar?
Dick Cheney: George, 20,000 is a start, but you know that's what that grandstanding @#$^&*^$#$ John McCain's calling for, and he's just going to say that you're taking advice from him. Why don't you throw in another 30 thousand and make it an even 50,000 additional U.S. troops in Iraq?
Condoleezza Rice: I'm afraid it's not that simple, gentlemen. If you add 20,000 troops boots on the ground in Iraq, then Hillary Clinton's going to call for twice that number, and at the same time she'll deny that she wants any increase in troops unless there is a “master plan” and then she'll deny that she has ever called for more troops in the past. If you call for 50,000 more troops, then Senator Clinton's going to call for 100,000 more, but only if there's a “master plan,” and then she'll still deny that she ever supported sending in more troops. No one even remembers that she voted for the war in the first place and that the Democrats have funded the war all along. So when this whole thing turns out to be a big disaster, then Clinton's going to blame us for being weaker on defense than she is, even though she and many of the Democrats supported everything that we've done so far.
right. Let's really do something that will show imagination, strength,
character, intelligence, bipartisanship and all that crap. Pete, let's add
250,000 more soldiers . . .. as advisers and trainers, of course .
. . and we'll invite Hillary Clinton to go and fight there, too, just like
I sent my own children to fight for America!
President Bush: I didn't? Well, where are they?
Dick Cheney: We'll show them who's weak on defense! Make it a million more soldiers, George. That way we can put a marine or two in every #$^(*&^@# Iraqi household. Maybe two million more!! And then let's nuke Iran and Syria and Venezuela and Russia and Cuba and North Korea and France and San Francisco.
Gen. Peter Pace: Mr. President, Mr. Vice President, I really have to say that first, like Colin Powell said the other day, sending in more troops really isn't going to turn this loser war into a winner, and second . . .
President Bush: I thought I told everyone not to mention that man's name in my presence! There's nothing I like less than someone who's not loyal. Who does Powell think he is, anyway? Barak Obama? Pete, don't ever mention that man's name again, or you can join Karl down in the wine cellar!
Gen. Peter Pace:
I'm sorry, Mr. President . . . but, we don't have a million soldiers to
send to Iraq. In fact, we don't even know where we would dig up 20,000
troops to send there!
President Bush: Maybe we should restart the draft?
Dick Cheney, Condoleezza Rice, Gen. Peter Pace, William Gates: Are you crazy?
Gen. Peter Pace: The last thing we want to do is reinstate the draft, Mr. President! That's all we need is a bunch of White Middle Class mommies and daddies whining about their little boys and girls going off to fight the Perpetual Global War on Terror! My God, George! Congressman Charles Rangel knows damn sure that we won't have anymore war adventures at all if we have an army with universal conscription! No wars, no toys, no fun! C'mon, Mr. President! Remember all those fraggings and soldiers refusing to follow orders and troops threatening to mutiny in Vietnam? Please don't even talk about a draft!
President Bush: Vietnam? That's funny, everyone keeps talking about Vietnam, but how come I don't remember anything about it? Condi, where was I during Vietnam?
Condoleezza Rice: George, you were, uh, supposedly in Alabama in the Air National Guard, protecting the air space over the Gulf of Mexico and the local bars from the Viet Cong, remember?
Boy, do I miss Rummy right now! What would Rummy do?
Gen. Peter Pace: Good thinking, Mr. President! We should figure out what Mr. Rumsfeld would have done, and then do the opposite!
Robert Gates: Ah, why not consolidate everyone in the 14 permanent bases we've been building in Iraq?
Great idea, Bob! That's a ^(&*$##*)& suggestion! We lock up every single
^&(^%*#%& Iraqi inside our fourteen permanent bases, and our problem's
solved! Yea, we'll call them Iraqi Reservations. We'll do it to protect
them from themselves, that's what we'll say! That's why we built
reservations in this country to protect all the American Indians, to bring
them democracy and liberate their land while protecting them from one
another; and that's why the Israelis are building reservations for the
Palestinians, too, to bring them democracy and to protect them from
Gen. Peter Pace: Mr. President, I still don't know where the 20,000 new troops are going to come from!
President Bush: What about all my supporters? What about all my Christian friends? Don't 36% of all good Christian Americans still stand by me? Aren't they the only ones who count, anyway? Can't we get Pat Robertson and his preacher friends -- you know, the ones who haven't been “outed” yet -- to round us up at least 20 or 30 thousand good red-blooded Christian Soldiers who will volunteer to massacre a lot of heathens, you know, recruit 'em right after Christmas, right after they get all that “love thy neighbor and peace on earth” crap out of their system, right about January when they start getting all lathered up about football and beating up on people again.
Condoleezza Rice: I'm sorry, Mr. President, even though the Christian Right is your core constituency, they don't actually want to die for oil; they want the Iraqi oil as much as we do, but they want someone else to do the dying. And that's the problem: nobody wants to die anymore for what we stand for... which is ourselves, of course. Strictly speaking, of course, a lot of Iraqis are willing to die for what we stand for, but that's the problem, isn't it?
Dick Cheney: %^&%*^%$%$! Let's send in 25 million more American soldiers! We can bivouac them in Iran and that will kill two birds with one stone! Hey, we can also send all those *&%%$(*&^% to Iraq who are still bleating about not having any homes in New Orleans to return to more than a year after Hurricane Katrina and kill three birds with one stone!
Gen. Peter Pace: The Joint Chiefs of Staff don't want any “surge” of troops. The Iraqi government that we installed doesn't want any more U.S. soldiers. The Iraqi people don't want us there at all. We don't have 1 million, 20 thousand or even 10 thousand reliable troops under the age of 60 that we can send to Iraq without risking a total breakdown in military discipline. The only people who are talking about “surges” of soldiers are Senator McCain, Joe Lieberman, the American Enterprise Institute, all those Neocon news media and the Saudis who are funding the Sunnis in Iraq who want more targets to shoot at. Why don't we just send all of them to Iraq and call it a day? The Pentagon is tired of playing this game! Why can't we invade and bring “democracy” to some other country that can't fight back? Why can't we invade Haiti or Panama or Grenada again? I want to go home. Me and everyone in the Pentagon want to take our tanks and planes and play war somewhere else where people don't shoot back at us!
President Bush: Condi, give Pete a handkerchief and tell him to stop sniffling. I think it's time to make a bold decision. It's time to take decisive action... It's time to release Karl Rove from the White House wine cellar and let him figure out a way to make somebody else take the fall for this mess. Now I've gotta make my tee time. I'm the Decider, so I now decide that this meeting's adjourned.
At this point, I got a terrible toothache and my filling stopped receiving radio transmissions from Nixon's old Oval Office bug.
My dentist knows how to bring the troops home from Iraq because he knows how to pull things out -- line them up, yank them out fast, staunch the bleeding. I think Mr. Bush should pay a visit to his dentist. He might learn something.
Zbignew Zingh can be reached at: Zbig@ersarts.com. This article is CopyLeft, and free to distribute, reprint, repost, sing at a recital, spray paint, scribble in a toilet stall, etc. to your heart’s content, with proper author citation. Find out more about Copyleft and read other great articles at: www.ersarts.com. copyleft 2006.
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