is the middle of the 18th Century. King George II has died and his
mad grandson, George III ascends to the British throne. But wait! this
is a quasi-historical political polemic! A palace coup takes place and,
and... there's another, equally mad King George wearing the crown, and
he's surrounded by neoconservative administrators, advisers and
sycophants. They have a plan for imperial Great Britain to dominate
the world and they have a
Project for the New American Colonies. This, then, is history as it
might have been.
1768 -- Prime Minister Lord Cheney, former CEO of the British East
India and Sprawlmart Company, holds a conclave of the biggest commercial
whaling interests in Great Britain to discuss the hunting-to-extinction of
the schools of Northern Right
Whales. Executives from British Whaleoil, Ltd, Mobile Whale, Inc.,
ExxoWhale, Ltd., and Chevwhale Corporation attend, as do political
advisers Paul Wolf de Witz, Earl Richard Pearl, Sir Scooter de Libby,
Condoleezza, the Duchess of Rice, and the Archbishop of Raspberries,
Patrick Robertson. They explain to Lord Cheney how the Empire's economy --
and especially the royal military - depends on plentiful, cheap whale oil
to lubricate artillery caissons, light London's street lamps and peoples'
homes, and grease the wheels of commerce. Together, the plotters conclude
that the Empire must secure the relatively untapped whaling waters off the
North American continent.
1769 -- First Minister of War Donald, the Duke of Rumsfeld, and the
Baron Wm. Frist, Leader of the House of Lords, command British soldiers to
occupy the New American Colonies and secure the New England Whaling
Waters. Soldiers are quartered in colonials' houses, their protests
notwithstanding. King George, while on vacation at his Winter palace,
falls off his horse. However, the King issues a statement through his
press secretary, Scott, the Earl of McClellan, telling the English people
that their soldiers will be greeted with flowers and chocolates.
1770 -- In response to the occupation of the colony of
Massachusetts, Bostonians riot in the streets. In an effort to maintain
law and order, Duke Donald of Rumsfeld orders British soldiers to shoot
the “terrorists”, as he describes them. Several colonial insurgents die in
what becomes known as the Boston Massacre. King George, recovering from
another fall from his horse at his spring vacation palace, declares that
England will embark on a world wide and perpetual War on Terrorism, and
especially in those countries where whales can be found. The mothers of
several British soldiers killed during “anti-terrorist” patrols in the
colonies send a letter of protest to Buckingham Palace. The London press
pillories the mothers as French-loving wimps. They are quickly arrested
and imprisoned in the Tower of London on sedition charges. The London
Stock Exchange goes up.
1773 -- In an effort to pay for His Majesty's military adventures
in North America and around the globe (and to increase the profit of the
British East India and Sprawlmart Company), Parliament authorizes the
seizure of all American colonial industry, whaling vessels and
agricultural production of corn and tobacco. King George, from his summer
palace, explains that he intends to bring constitutional monarchy to the
colonies because all peoples of the world will benefit from the same
enlightened form of government enjoyed by Great Britain. In Parliament,
all parties blindly join in passing the HMG Patriot Stamp Act. Not one
member of the Commons has read the act which is nearly 1,000 pages long
and was delivered for their consideration with only one hour's notice. The
London Stock Exchange goes up.
1774 -- Due to the ongoing military cost of occupying the American
colonies, inflation dramatically increases in Great Britain and its
economy falters. Millions of Englishmen are out of work. The price of
whale oil skyrockets. London's air becomes polluted with smoke and soot.
Chancellor of the Exchequer, Lord Alan Greenspan, declares that the
monetary supply is consistent with the M2 resurgence of the bubblized
defriquitor and consequently, with the stabilization of the long term
piquancy of the Dutch Guilder and the semblance of adequacy in potatoes,
this is the best of all possible economies and there is no cause for
alarm. The British people are soothed by the Chancellor's words and the
London Stock Exchange goes up.
1774 -- At the behest of the King (still vacationing at his Autumn
palace), Parliament passes the Coffee Tax as part of its larger program of
imperial worldwide commerce, also known as global royalization.
Henceforth, the American colonials will only be permitted to purchase
coffee sold by the British East India and Sprawlmart Company under its
exclusive Storebucks label. All American coffee shops are immediately shut
down and the colonials are henceforth required to conduct all commercial
transactions in pound sterling. The London Stock Exchange advances.
1774 -- Led by a shadowy colonial militant known only as “Samual
Adams”, a gang of Bostonians, masquerading as baristas, boards a ship
docked in Boston Harbor that is scheduled to offload boxes of Storebucks
Coffee. The militants throw thousands of boxes of British coffee into the
harbor and sink them. A tropical storm lashes the coffee colored harbor
water into a giant foaming cappuccino. In retaliation for this act of
sabotage, Lord Donald of Rumsfeld orders that the City of Boston be
“pacified” by leveling the city and killing 75% of its inhabitants. From
his winter vacation palace, King George tells the British people that
their mission has been accomplished and that the “terrorist” Samuel Adams
will be brought to justice. Shortly afterwards, King George is bucked off
1775 -- Patrick Henry declares to the Virginia legislature “Give me
liberty, or give me death!” Colonials loyal to the King promptly denounce
Mr. Henry for expressing unpatriotic opinions. They turn him in to the
British secret service who put a black bag over his head and carry him
away in a donkey cart. Henry is sent to a penal colony in Georgia where he
is held incommunicado for several years and without ever being charged
with a crime. King George, vacationing at his summer castle, declares
Patrick Henry to be a traitor. The loyal colonials who turned in Patrick
Henry are rewarded by the Crown with an increase in taxes, the
conscription of their children into the military, and a reduction in
public services. The loyalists greet the news of their 'reward' with
whoops, cheers and waving hats.
1775 -- American colonials in Massachusetts, a notorious stronghold
of the Puritan religious sect, burn the Union Jack in their town squares.
British troops are sent in to Lexington and Concord to restore order.
Various colonial pamphleteers learn about the troop movements and raise
the alert by sending Paul Revere ahead to distribute the alternative media
news about the advancing military. The British are met at Lexington and
Concord bridge by colonial irregulars who are mowed down by superior
British weaponry and military tactics. The insurgency spreads in reaction
to the British heavy-handedness. On their return march to Boston,
snipe at the British redcoats from behind trees and boulders,
decimating redcoat ranks. British generals bury their casualties in
America, however, rather than let Englishmen see the returning caskets.
King George, while vacationing at his Spring palace, hosts a party for the
aristocrats of the empire and goes Fox hunting. During the hunt King
George falls off his horse.
1775 -- King George, vacationing on his yacht on the Thames, issues
a royal proclamation declaring that the American Colonies are in a state
of insurrection. The Black Prince, Lord Karl, the Marquis of Rove, plants
a rumor with the royal press corps that the colonials are preparing to
send small pox infested blankets on ships back to England, thus causing a
biowarfare epidemic. Royal reporters, Dame Judith Miller and Sir Robt. de
Novac, dutifully spread the rumor in the London press. In reality,
however, it was the British who had used
small pox infested blankets in North America years before in order to
eradicate the Native peoples. This story is nowhere reported in the
British corporate media. Meanwhile, France declares that it might lend its
support to the American Colonies. King George responds by stating that
France is either with us or against us, and, therefore, France is as much
a terrorist state as the American colonies.
1776 -- Thomas Paine issues his pamphlet “Common Sense” calling for
American independence from Britain. In response, King George sends an
immense fleet of warships to the colonies to occupy all the major ports in
support of this “noble cause.” A gathering of colonials sign a Declaration
of Independence, stating that when government becomes oppressive, it is
the peoples' duty to rise up and overthrow it. King George, vacationing at
his Summer palace, declares the Declaration of Independence to be a
terrorist manifesto and warns that anyone who articulates such unpatriotic
thoughts will be arrested, hung, drawn and quartered, and their corpses
subsequently put on trial for treason. Shortly afterward, the king is
kicked by a horse.
1776 -- General Howe leads a British military expedition to subdue
the colonies. He predicts that the soldiers will be home in time for
Christmas. Meanwhile, the colonial insurgent Nathan Hale is caught spying
on British troops. He is executed without trial. His last words, allegedly
that “I regret that I have but one life to give for my country,” are
reported by the London press as, “I regret that I have lived a lie trying
to destroy my country.” King George issues a press release stating that
governing an empire is tiring work, wherefore he is taking a twelve-month
1777 -- The shadowy Colonial Congress meets and appoints George
Washington as the Commander in Chief of the liberation army. In London,
George Washington is labeled a religious fanatic, terrorist and
baby-eater. Betsy Ross is commissioned to sew the first colonial flag.
After she discards several rather tame prototype pennants, she produces
what she regards as her masterpiece: a lime green, black, yellow and mauve
flag with a large crescent moon, a sickle and sunflowers set against a
backdrop of cod fish swimming in the azure sea. The Colonial Congress
rejects Betsy Ross's flag proposal and burns it. She goes back to her
sewing and eventually comes up with an acceptable design based on her
mother's colorful bloomers. The stars and stripes are born. King George,
recuperating at his summer vacation palace after a fall from a horse,
declares that anyone seen carrying the insurgent flag of the colonies will
be tarred and feathered.
1777 -- The French Marquis de Lafayette comes to America to assist
the colonials' efforts to rid themselves of British occupation, as does
the German general Von Steuben. King George, still vacationing at his
summer palace, brands both France and Germany as terrorist states. He
forbids the consumption of German beer or French wine in any British pub.
1778 -- Fighting intensifies in the American colonies. Thousands of
colonial loyalists flee to Canada to escape the fighting in America.
The price of whale oil increases. The British army issues stop-loss orders
that prevent any foot soldiers from leaving the military. Thousands of
mothers of conscripted soldiers begin to protest the war and march on
Buckingham Palace demanding to know for what “noble cause” their sons have
been sacrificed. King George, from his winter vacation palace, explains
that he's a noble, and Lord Cheney is a noble, and so are all the
members of his cabinet, “so there's your 'noble cause'.” Another horse
bucks off King George. Upon hearing this news, the protesting veterans'
mothers chant: “Buck George! Buck George!” Squire Anthony Bliar, the
King's kennel master, sicks the royal hounds on the mothers and breaks up
1779 -- The British army begins to train a counter-insurgency army
comprised of American loyalists. They also begin to foment religious
tension between Catholics in Maryland, Protestants in New York and Quakers
in Pennsylvania. A fifth-column led by Benedict Arnold seizes General
Washington at his winter quarters and turns him in to the British.
Washington is made to stand for a show trial at which he is convicted of
chopping down his father's cherry tree. He is given a death sentence. The
British appoint Benedict Arnold as the interim President of the American
Colonies pending an “election”. Meanwhile, British counterinsurgency
forces break up a cell of revolutionaries including Benjamin Franklin,
Thomas Jefferson, John Jay and John Adams. They are all sent to the royal
penal colony in
Georgia to serve life sentences without trial.
1780 -- As whale pods off the coast of New England are fished to
extinction, oil prices climb by leaps and bounds. Due to increased burning
of whale oil, the world's oceans begin to warm and the climate to change.
Coastal storms begin to increase in frequency and severity. There is
drought in England. A massive fire burns the poorer sections of London to
the ground and thousands die. From his vacation home, recovering from
another fall off a horse, King George says that peak whale oil is a myth,
as is global warming. He offers condolences, but no assistance to the poor
victims of the fire. Instead, King George recommends that the English go
1781 -- Prime Minister Lord Cheney encourages the American colonies
to adopt a new constitution, helpfully drafted for the colonials in
London. The new draft constitution preserves America as a royal colony
subject to the Crown, establishes the Church of England as America's state
religion, officially relegates women to the role of homemakers and
child-bearers, and makes America a permanent military protectorate of the
1782 -- American insurgents boycott the constitutional referendum
and elections called by the British. Nevertheless, Buckingham Palace
declares that the draft constitution and new President Benedict Arnold
have been voted in by 99.96% of the 100 colonials qualified to vote in the
election. The Americans demand a recount. The House of Lords stops the
recounting of the ballots and King George tells the Americans to just get
over it. Strangely, they do.
1783 -- Civil war erupts as Puritans battle Anglicans who battle
Catholics. Everyone attacks the Quakers and the Native Americans. The
colonies' slaves are caught in the crossfire. The great-great-grandfather
of Martin Luther King declares that he has a dream, but he is gunned down
by the colonials and the British before he can finish speaking. Soon, the
colonies are Balkanized into thirteen separate squabbling Hobbesian
states. The British East India and Sprawlmart Company is able to hunt down
the last of the whales while the colonials fight among themselves.
1784 -- King George's neoconservative cabinet rewrites the history
of the American Insurgency (as it is now known) as a glorious triumph of
monarchy over creeping democracy. As the last drop of whale oil burns
away, the lights go out.
Zbignew Zingh can be reached at
Zbig@ersarts.com. This Article is CopyLeft, and free to distribute, reprint,
repost, sing at a recital, spray paint, scribble in a toilet stall, etc. to your
heart’s content, with proper author citation. Find out more about Copyleft and
read other great articles at
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