I am Zamole Zingh and I am running for political offices. Yes, I know that
you just voted, and I know that you would like to just go to sleep again.
But I am running for next time, after you wake up and find that
your wallet and nose have again been picked, your kids packed off to fight
another war and it's the same old thing all over again.
I am running for
all elected offices, all at once. One size fits all. No matter
what position or where it is, remember to vote next time around for the
“Zamole Zingh” ticket.
Zamole Zingh stands firmly on the issues. The longer and more
firmly I stand on them, the fewer issues you will see and the less you'll
be bothered by them. I am not on the Left or the Right, but firmly in the
Muddle. I have the courage of my convictions (three of them felonies, in
fact, but that was a long time ago, and I have since then found
Christianity, Judaism and Islam and rehabilitated myself, except at night
and on weekends).
Zamole Zingh belongs to all the major political parties, some of the small
ones and parties that haven't even been thought of yet. I'm a total party
animal. If there's a party, then that's where I am. All parties
simultaneously. My positions appeal to everyone because I honestly change
my positions depending on whom I am talking to, from day to day, from hour
to hour. I'm not proud, because pride is a vice. The Bible says so, and I
know all the biblical vices very well, so all you Bible vice value voters
should vote for me, too.
I figure out what you want to hear and that's what I tell you. That's the
kind of honest politician Amerika needs, and I am very honest. I am
someone who hears what you say and unashamedly panders to your desires by
repeating what you say right back to you. I have principles, however, and
I do whatever I want to do no matter what you want or what I've said. It's
the Zamole Zingh way, the way I will work as a one-size-fits-all
politician. You hear me say what you want to hear, and I do what I want to
do. Everybody's happy.
I strongly support a minimum wage bill. Everyone should get paid a
minimum wage, especially those who do not vote for Zamole Zingh -- the
more minimal, the better. That leaves more money for me and for my
supporters. That's the Zamole Zingh way: you vote for me and you get more
of what you want. You don't vote for me, then you get the absolute minimum
wage, and maybe less. Hey, you deserve it (one way or the other).
What about the war in Iraq and the occupation of Afghanistan?
Zamole Zingh has a clear muddle ground policy: I support simultaneously
staying the course and not staying the course, increasing the number of
soldiers and bringing them home, too. I believe that all the troops should
have supporters. I wear one and they should, too. And I want piece,
especially a piece of the profits. I also want to bring the troops home as
soon as possible, and definitely in time for the Super Bowel 2023. I want
to bring democracy to the one surviving Iraqi who outlives the occupation,
after we've pumped out all the oil.
Zamole Zingh has an equally clear policy on reproductive rights.
You can make as many photocopies of your fanny as you like on a photocopy
machine. Abortion? Zamole Zingh strongly favors retroactive
abortion, especially for adult Republicans, “muscular” Christian
Zionists and oil company executives. Wait until they are adults and then
decide whether to have them aborted. It's the only humane thing to do, for
the rest of us, I mean.
I favor medical research, but not on animals. All medical research
should be conducted on pharmaceutical company executives and lobbyists.
They have nervous systems very similar to laboratory rats. By testing new
drugs on the pharmaceutical executives and lobbyists, we'll know how well
they will work on the general rodent population without the need for any
tests on animals.
I favor freedom of speech. Of course, anything that is free isn't
worth anything. In fact, free speech must, by definition, be utterly
worthless. Therefore, Zamole Zingh says that speech should be meaningful,
so we're gonna charge you for the right to speak. A dollar a word,
for starters, ought to be good. So there you have it -- speech that's
purchased for cash, which is worth a whole lot more than “free” speech
that people just toss out there for nothing. The telecommunication giants
ought to be able to charge you extra for putting content on the Web
because if you have to pay for it that makes it worth more than just plain
ordinary “free” speech. There's no such thing as a free lunch and in the
Zamole Zingh administration there also won't be any “free” speech.
Zamole Zingh has a position on interest rates. Americans don't have
much interest in anything really important; therefore, they really don't
rate my interest either. Unless you donate to my campaign and vote for me
once, twice or three times. Then you rate some interest from me. The more
you contribute, the more interested I am in you.
Gay marriage should not be a right, but an obligation. I favor
forcing all gay men and lesbian women to marry each other and to stay
married. And to adopt and take care of everyone else's kids, too. I also
favor abolishing monogamy laws. People ought to be allowed to marry as
many people as they like, serially or simultaneously, whatever. In fact,
we should make marriage licenses only last as long as a drivers license;
you know, every four years you have to pass an intelligence test, eye and
mental health examination to get your marriage renewed.
Zamole Zingh takes a strong position on racial inequality: everyone
should suffer the same old inequalities regardless of race or ethnicity.
Everyone gets screwed and screwed alike . . . unless you vote for (and
contribute to) the Zamole Zingh ticket. Then, you will get less “equal”
treatment and more “special” treatment. I will take equal opportunities
with everyone, regardless of race, sex, creed, religion or ethnicity.
Global warming? I think that as your one-size-fits-all universal
political candidate, I should thoroughly research this issue. That is why
I will spend most of my tenure in elected office in some of the globe's
warmest, most tropical resorts, lounging in beach chairs and quaffing
umbrella drinks served by underpaid grass-skirted ladies from the
indigenous slums that surround these resorts. Your concerned leaders ought
to know what warm climates are all about so we can prepare the appropriate
legislation that big business wants.
Education is very important to Zamole Zingh. I want everyone to
have the chance to get a sixth grade education, to be able to read the
billboards on the highways, to understand the commercials on television
and to get an honest, minimum wage job or join the Army. I am myself a
self-educated graduate of three mail-order colleges and hold a Bachelor
Degree in Hamburger Science, a Masters Degree in Political Kleptocracy,
and a PhD in Oenology from Thunderbird University.
Zamole Zingh has a clear position on taxes. If you contribute to
the Zamole Zingh campaign, then you don't have to pay any taxes. If you
don't contribute, then the protection money you have to pay is 80% of your
gross income. So, this is a fair plan, double or nothing, but either way,
you have to pay the same amount to the government, which is me.
Terrorism is terrible. The people are tired of being terrorized by
unknown miscreants. Only well-known miscreants, big business and the
government should be able to terrorize people. But there are lots of
terrorist acts that haven't yet been attacked, and they should be. Zamole
Zingh will expand the domestic and worldwide campaign on terror to include
terrorist acts that really mean something to you and me. The Global War on
Terrorism (GWOT) should be expanded into the Galactic War on Terrorism,
Unscooped Doggie Poop, and Spam (GALTWUDPS). You terrorize someone without
a government permit, and you go to Gitmo; you clutter up my email inbox
with spam for growing one part of my body or shrinking another, and you go
to Gitmo; I step in a pile of your doggie's unscooped poop, and you're
going to Gitmo!
What does Zamole Zingh say about Health Care? I care a lot about my
health. I drink to my health a lot. That's why I want your votes, so I can
become a professional politician and get the kind of health care, paid for
by the government, like most people can only dream about. But that's what
politics in Amerika is all about; it's the stuff of dreams. So, you can
dream on about having decent health care like that! And for better health
care, remember: I care about my health and you ought to care about yours.
Like my dear old mother used to say, Zamie, you should take good
care of your health. That's the Zamole Zingh way. I take damn good
care of myself, and you can damn well take care of yourself.
So, even though this election cycle is over, remember it's only the start
of the Zamole Zingh era.
I'm the Decider and the Divider.
I feel your pain in the behind. A whole lot of bucks stop here. It’ a
brave new deal. A grape society. A contract on Amerika. A kinder genital
nation. A nude frontier. Crampalot. God blessed Amerika. All that stuff
and more. So, if you wake up in time for the next elections, remember to
vote once, twice, as many times as the electronic voting machines will let
you (if they let you vote at all); and vote Zamole Zingh, Zamole Zingh,
Zamole Zingh! The one-size-fits-all Universal Political Candidate.
be reached at:
Zbig@ersarts.com. This article is CopyLeft, and free to distribute,
reprint, repost, sing at a recital, spray paint, scribble in a toilet
stall, etc. to your heart’s content, with proper author citation. Find out
more about Copyleft and read other great articles at:
www.ersarts.com. copyleft 2006.
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