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by Zbignew Zingh
September 22, 2004

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After four years, BushMart is going out of business!

Everything MUST GO by November 3rd because we have LOST OUR LEASE and NEW MANAGEMENT IS TAKING OVER!

Here are just some of our in-stock items that we are selling at once-in-a-lifetime clearance prices:

First Strike Brand Safety Matches. These matches strike first time, every time anywhere around the globe. You don't even need a reason - just use your First Strike Brand matches to start a regional conflagration wherever the mood strikes you. Great for starting Neocon Bar-B-Q fires at Middle Eastern cook-outs, and in France.

9-11 All Purpose Liquid Cleaner. No American household should be without this super-duper, political cleaner with the Neocon top secret formula. No matter what filthy secret you have on your conscience, no matter what dirt you have tracked into the White House, no matter what lies you have repeatedly told to obscure the truth, 9-11's patented, deep memory cleansing ingredients will make you forget everything, leaving your sense of patriotism clean, sweet-smelling and antiseptic. Excellent for removing blood and oil from hands and clothing. Has the dog dragged in a prisoner, or a piece of a prisoner, from Abu Ghraib or Guantanamo's Camp X-Ray? One squirt of 9-11 All Purpose Liquid Cleaner will obliterate that nasty spot so that not a single corporate news network will notice the stain. All bottles of 9-11 All Purpose Liquid Cleaner are for sale at half price to Republican politicians who can apply it liberally and often to make their soiled agenda look spotlessly clean.

BushWipes. Strong, but compassionate facial and bathroom tissue products, BushWipes are made from 100% post-consumer Republican Convention speeches. Man-sized triple strength BushWipe facial tissues are just what your runny nose needs when you have the flu or the sniffles from being left out in the political cold for so many years. BushWipe bathroom tissues are soft and absorbent and they come in large economy-sized rolls for an economy that's in the toilet. BushWipes have premium quilted patterns of the Constitution and the Bill of Rights embossed on them.

BugOff, the most effective pest repellent sold in America. Originally designed for use in the Soviet Union for eliminating dissent, a few squirts of BugOff can squash pesky street demonstrations and political demonstrations like ants. Recommended by New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg. BugOff goes to the source of political opposition and arrests the nasty varmints before they ever get a chance to crawl out of their free speech zones and into your line of vision. Why worry about being bugged by those pesky little protesters with their obnoxious little signs? Spray BugOff on your streets and homes and enjoy a quiet, peaceful, dissent-free American life.

Arnie's Toothpaste and Mouth Wash. This is the brand all the Republican talking heads use to brighten their breath and their smiles. Even if everything that comes out of your mouth reeks of medievalism and decay, even when you haven't said anything intelligent, Arnie's oral hygiene products can make your mouth look and seem completely healthy. Do you have cavities in your plans for world empire? Do your resource consumption habits give you halitosis that makes people cringe when you give speeches about 'democracy'? Are there little pieces of chewed up third world children stuck in between your teeth? Arnie's Toothpaste and Mouth Wash are the answers to your needs. No girlie man ingredients like fluoride, peppermint and spearmint – Arnie's oral health products are made with growth hormones, steroids, testosterone, steel ball bearings, Uzi shell casings, depleted uranium and granulated environmentalists. Arnie's Toothpaste is guaranteed to help you look like the vigorous, toothy, well-meaning politician that you are not. A quick gargle with Arnie's Mouth Wash covers up the most horrible odors that escape from your mouth and makes your every neo-fascist utterance seem wholesome, all-American and minty clean.

Clear Channel Digital Radios. BushMart is selling these popular personal radios at unheard of prices! Slightly defective Clear Channel Digital Radios can only be tuned to receive one radio station signal. But thanks to the FCC, soon there will be only one radio station anywhere. Why waste your money buying reception power you won't need? These digital radios come in Red, White and Blue candy-striped colors and include a free ear bud that helps filter out unamerican news and propaganda. Made in various Third World Free Trade Zones by slave laborers.

Powell's Plumber's Helper. Available in jumbo sized containers, every nation's household needs a bottle of Powell's Plumber's Helper to dissolve troublesome blockages in your diplomatic pipes. False yellowcake allegations jamming up your plumbing? Unable to keep willing partners in your coalition pipelines? Promises about weapons of mass destruction plugging up the drain? Pour Powell's Plumber's Helper down the gutter and quickly unblock your pipes. Made from environmentally unfriendly ingredients.

Eau du Terror after shave by Karl Rové. This is a Man's scent. Carefully crafted from Islamic fear pheromones produced under torture in secret American prison camps, this is the after-shave for the 21st Century Man who wants to make a statement about his unrelenting xenophobia. Fresh, clean, as invigorating as bombing an Afghan village into the Stone Age. Eau du Terror cools western guilt, refreshes your sense of Christian Superiority, maintains your tension and feelings of insecurity 24 hours a day. American women love this cologne's bracing male smell of action, reaction and preemptive action. Available in pump mister, roll on applicator or just break the glass bottle over the bar and drink it straight.

Zell's Zig Zag Zorries. Brightly colored plastic shower slippers designed to be worn on the opposite feet. Especially manufactured for the man who tends to stumble back and forth between political parties. Available in Extra Big Foot Sizes for putting into Extra Big Mouths. Zig Zag Zorries – the footwear for the hyper-active politician who tends to zig zag from right to left and right again.

Allawi's Air Freshener. Perfect for hanging from your rear-view mirror, Allawi's pine-scented Air Freshener will camouflage the reek of death and destruction and make everything smell forest clean. Created by America's favorite Iraqi Quisling, Ayad Allawi, for sanitizing his own history of collaboration with Saddam Hussein, the CIA and MI5, Allawi's Air Freshener wicks away the stench of burned body parts and cluster bombs. It leaves behind the illusion of clean, fresh air. Compare prices with Lady MacBeth's “All the Perfumes of Arabia” for removing the scent of blood.

Oil of OyVeh. The perfect skin cream for relieving scaly, wrinkled skin dried out by firing automatic weapons at unarmed Palestinians. Oil of OyVeh covers blemishes in your soul, hides blind spots in your ethos and smooths that guilty conscience that comes from behaving as rottenly as the people you condemn. Not tested on animals, only on sub-humans. Recommended by Ariel Sharon as the secret ointment that keeps him looking and feeling so young and vital.

Rice-A-Loonie Instant Democracy. For quick-cooking “democracy”, whip up a mess of Rice-A-Loonie and persuade the people that this, not Weapons of Mass Destruction, is why America has occupied the Middle East. Just pour one box of Instant Democracy into a barrel of sweet Iraqi crude oil, season lightly with 20,000 dead Iraqi civilians and 8,000 dead or wounded American soldiers, add a sprinkle of depleted uranium, salt with the tears of widowed wives and orphaned children, bring to a civil war boil and dump onto the taxpayer's plate. One box of Instant Democracy serves the principal shareholders of several hundred multi-national corporations. Available in various spicy flavors including Iranian, Syrian, Cuban and Venezuelan “Instant Democracy.”

Grover Norquist Bubble Bath. This is the bubble bath formula designed by the ultra right wing of the Republican Party to drown the federal government once they have shrunk it by cutting off all funding for everything except the Pentagon. Norquist's Bubblebath makes drowning the government fun for the misanthropic child that lurks in everyone. Not recommended for people who depend on Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, the Post Office, public schools, public utilities, public libraries, public transportation, the Environmental Protection Agency, the Food and Drug Administration, the EEOC, the FAA or the Securities and Exchange Commission.

Super Patriot® Car Wax and Polish. Put that extra special Super Patriot®shine on your gas slurping SUV. After we enter our post-peak oil energy descent, that immobile four ton steel behemoth perma-parked in your driveway will proudly sparkle and shine in front of your house along with the rest of your lawn furniture, plaster statues, pink flamingos and American flags. So when gasoline gets too expensive to even drive yourself to the filling station, Super Patriot®wax and polish will make your mirror-shiny SUV the still-life envy of the neighborhood.

Cheney's 24 Hour Decongestant and Cough Suppressor. This is the season when people are coming down with the political flu. Cheney's 24 Hour Decongestant and Cough Suppressor helps prevent sick, poor, or unemployed people from sneezing or coughing in your presence by knocking them down below the media's line of vision. Helps to keep you and America healthy by suppressing all signs of dissent or criticism. Lets America sleep soundly while all over the world people are suffering from sore, scratchy throats caused by shouting protests against us. Available in liquid, capsule or television administered doses. Take in conjunction with Greenspan's Valio-Econo-Happy Pills to create that unreal, illusory healthy economy feeling whenever your nose even gets a tickle of bad times coming. Cheney's 24 Hour Decongestant and Cough Suppressor and Greenspan's Valio-Econo-Happy Pills are both on sale at BushMart at low, low, low never before seen prices. No purchase limit on these close-out items.

Special: Halloween Costumes! Buy these old steeply discounted costumes left over from Halloweens past! They're still as frightening for this year as they were decades ago when they were first sold during the Reagan administration! Very scary John Negroponte Outfits complete with red mask, accessory head horns and forked tails. Originally worn during his ambassadorship to Honduras during its tortured dark ages, Negroponte Outfits are equally suitable for scaring people now that he is America's ambassador to Iraq. Rumsfeld Fake Teeth! Fanged and fluted Dracula teeth for sucking the life out of Reservists, National Guardsmen and Minority Enlistees in the army. Sure to scare the bejeezers out of soccer moms who see Rummy coming to eat their sons and daughters in the post-election Draft! Neocon Zombie Heads! Your choice of Elliot Abrams, Paul Wolfowitz, Henry Kissinger, Richard Perle, Douglas Feith, Richard Armitage, or John Bolton! Frightening favorites once considered too crazy to govern, the sight of these ghoulish, lunatic asylum costumes will make any normal human being tremble with fear.

Sorry. No BushMart Discount or Executive Pardon Cards may be used for this Going Out of Business Sale. All Sales Are (we sincerely hope) FINAL! Everything is sold 'as is' – no refunds EVER! Cash sales not permitted. BushMart stores only sell on REVOLVING CREDIT. Buy now and let future generations of Americans pay your bills forever!

* Do you have other Wonderful Products that BushMart should unload at its Going Out of Business Sale? Contact and indicate whether you want (dis)credit by way of your initials next to your suggestion. Sorry, no scatology, profanity, incitement to violence or lawsuit bait.

Zbignew Zingh can be reached at This Article is CopyLeft, and free to distribute, reprint, repost, sing at a recital, spray paint, scribble in a toilet stall, etc. to your heart’s content, with proper author citation. Find out more about Copyleft and read other great articles at

Other Articles by Zbignew Zingh

* November Strategy
* New Dogs for the New American Century
* Vive la Difference
* Dennis, We Hardly Knew You
* The 2004 Political All-Star Game
* George Bush, Destroyer of the Faith
* Zbignew's Inferno
* The Statue of Liberty is Missing
* Monuments To The New American Century
* What Are We Trying To Achieve?
* Bush Administration Relents: American Style Elections Promised for Iraq
* E.U. Researchers Publish Findings of Widespread Mad Cow Infection
* The Declassified Ads

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