Bush at the UN
by Paul Dean
September 16, 2003
On September 24th, George Bush is scheduled to speak to the United Nations, in his first address to that organization since he attacked Iraq in March. No one needs to be reminded that Bush is in a tight spot here. Convincing the UN to provide him with financial and military support while ceding no authority over affairs in Iraq may be a hard sell after Bush and his Administration declared the UN irrelevant, and insulted several key nations repeatedly in the run up to the war. Meanwhile, many Democrats, who up to this point have been all too eager to be key supporting actors in Bush’s production of the Theatre of the Absurd, are now calling for the Bush administration to be honest with the American people about their plans for Iraq, their true motives for getting us involved there, and the cost of the project. This idea, that a brutally deceitful administration could or would be honest about those things at this stage of the game, is almost as ridiculous as the lies we have been told to this point. Can you imagine what would happen if Bush’s handlers, in a bold and desperate new strategy to bolster his credibility, decided to hand George a brutally honest speech to read to the United Nations?
Good evening. As you all know, a few months ago I made the decision that America, the greatest, most powerful, prosperous and righteous nation on earth, would rid the world of the world’s worst weapons. The result was the disappearance of the world’s worst dictator, the collapse of his regime, and a great PR moment when we assembled a few handpicked Iraqi exiles and made it look like they were a joyous throng of ordinary Iraqis celebrating freedom from Saddam’s tyranny. Of course, we staged-managed the whole thing, but we’re not here tonight to dwell on inconvenient reality which cannot fail to make us look bad. Instead we are here to pressure you, the international body that we marginalized and insulted just a few short months ago, into saving our asses. We must act rapidly now to put aside our differences before my whole Iraq Adventure turns into an even bigger disaster. I call upon you to take decisive action, before the security of the entire world is threatened. But more importantly, you must act before the prospects for my reselection suffer further damage.
In attacking Iraq unilaterally against the wishes of the majority of the world’s nations, America selflessly shouldered an enormous burden. We did so only because all of you cheese-eating surrender-monkeys refused to back us on the project.
We undertook this action because America has never been a nation to shrink from its responsibilities, even if some old European cowards who hate freedom refuse to be a part of the Crusade.
Just before we invaded Iraq, we sent before this body the most sincere appearing black man that we own, in an effort to convince you of the urgency of our cause. We did not take that opportunity lightly. Instead, we carefully coached Secretary Powell to convincingly lie to you repeatedly about our motives in seeking UN authority to use force in Iraq. We also instructed him to present to you as solid evidence, information that we knew to be false at the time, to bolster our claims about Saddam’s nukular weapons program, despite the fact that most of our real evidence suggested that no such program existed.
And while Mr. Powell was lying to you here, our diplomatic corps was either trying to bribe the lesser nations among you to join our coalition, or threatening you with severe economic repercussions if you refused to go along. Our goal, in the face of overwhelming international opposition to our project, was to add as many names as possible to the list of nations that would consent to appear to support us, so that we could point to a long list of tiny insignificant nations and thus appear to have formed a broad “coalition” to “disarm” Saddam.
But by the time that Secretary Powell spoke to this body in an attempt to frighten and intimidate skeptical nations into cooperating with our plan to dominate you all, we right-wing extremists in America had already been plotting to invade Iraq for years. Lacking a sufficient justification, we bided our time, waiting until domestic political conditions could provide us with enough cover that we could dare to make such a move. And of course, 911 was just the sort of event we were waiting for. Our intelligence services knew there was no link between Saddam and 911, but we also knew that a frightened American public could be manipulated into believing that there was a link. After all, the mostly Saudi nationals that actually carried out the attack against America looked a lot like Iraqis, and America was in a mood to bomb not only actual terrorists, but also anybody who looked like them.
So by the time Secretary Powell appeared before you, the decision had already been made for over a year, that we were going to attack Iraq, regardless of the outcome of more weapons inspections, and regardless of world opinion. We only sought UN approval because we thought it would help obscure our real intent, which was to steal Iraqi oil. We were not overly concerned at the time that only marginal nations with little economic power or international credibility consented to let us use their names.
For one thing, we knew that the first Gulf War and twelve years of bombing, economic sanctions and weapons inspections had already smashed any offensive or defensive capability that Iraq possessed. Also, a number of years had passed since our corporations had stopped selling Saddam chemical weapons for gassing his own people with. Therefore we knew that if Saddam still did possess chemical weapons with the Made in USA label, those weapons would no longer be effective against us or against anyone. Our records indicated that the last batch of deadly chemical weapons we sold Saddam was stamped with the inscription “To insure maximum freshness, use before August 1st 1993.”
So, even without most of you cowards on board, we jumped on Iraq. We didn't even count how many Iraqis we had killed, but within a few weeks we figured it was all over. America, in going it alone, suffered what appeared to be only a few casualties. This price for freeing Iraqi oil for US companies was, at the time, well within acceptable limits. No elected or appointed official anywhere in my government lost a son or a daughter to the war. And the mostly poor undereducated young service men and women of our all-volunteer army, and their families, were not yet feeling betrayed.
At the White House, we were elated, even giddy, because a wave of adrenaline-induced Patriotism was flowing in America at the time. The lies and manipulations which we relied on to justify the war were, at that time, only known to a few million people in America who actually possess critical thinking skills and who do not rely entirely on our corporate press to inform them. But, for our benefit, and under our direction, those few million people were ignored and\or harassed by the press and attacked as unpatriotic. It appeared as if we were home free. Hell, everybody was waving flags and stomping around like Rambo. It was beautiful!
Nobody was complaining about the cost of the operation, and of course, we didn't tell anyone what that cost would be. We figured it would all be over before even Congress started to ask.
It was at this time that my handlers decided to carefully stage another in a series of brainwashing events. They had me strut around in a military pilot’s outfit and declare the “mission accomplished” on an aircraft carrier. That was a glorious moment for me, for my Administration, and for my little group of lunatic extremist right-wing ideologues that had convinced me that we would be able to get away with this.
And, of course, never before in its entire history had you, the United Nations, been perceived as so irrelevant. And that irrelevance was a natural consequence of your actions. The United Nations was designed to function as an instrument of US power. Therefore you had an obligation and a duty to fulfill that obligation. But the UN failed miserably to function as designed. As some of us from the South like to say, y’all got “uppity.”
But my message here tonight is that you must never again fail to further the interests of the United States of America. Those interests are the reason for your very existence. And, for our present purpose, “America” can be defined as consisting of me and Dick, Rummy, Ashcroft, Wolfowitz, Perle, Halliburton, Bechtel, Chevron\Texaco, Mobil\Exxon, and a handful of others.
As you all know, the foolhardy decision not to support Freedom, taken by certain key members of the Security Council, in addition to rendering the UN completely irrelevant, also resulted in a loss of international standing for certain nations among you. Those nations immediately became isolated within the world community. And here in America, at no time was your newfound loss of credibility more profoundly symbolized than it was when the national identity of one nation among you was removed from the name that we give to the greasy fried potatoes our Congressmen all eat. I refer, of course, to the birth of Freedom Fries. Let the embarrassment and loss of stature suffered by that one unfortunate nation among you, serve as a warning to all of you here today: When America’s interests is threatened, we will not hesitate to play hardball.
But these events are now behind us. Now is a time when all the nations of the world community must act as one, for the good of all America. So tonight, as the most powerful and respected man in the world, I am prepared to offer you at the UN the opportunity to become relevant again. If you can display the kind of wisdom needed to revert once again to playing the role of a US lapdog, like Tony Blair has consistently done, you can again be perceived as playing a central role in world affairs. You can be useful to us once again, but I must warn you not to let us down at this critical moment.
The United States of America has not shirked its responsibility to seize control of the worlds oil supply. And the United Nations must now put aside its differences, and work with us so that we can hold on to that control. And, as I always do in these kinds of speeches, I must now use the words Freedom, Democracy and Justice, and then throw out and repeat the word “terrorism” over and over. Today, however, for reasons I will not go into, I am more than a little squeamish about using the phrase “Weapons of Mass Destruction,” so I will just use it once here, and not repeat it incessantly as I have in the past. Rest assured that I will not, however, under any circumstances, fail to mention The War On Terror and use it in the same sentence with the name Saddam Hussein. So once again, let me just mouth these words: Responsibility, Duty, Obligation, Terror, Commitment and Freedom.
Tonight I stand before you as Commander in Chief of the world’s most powerful military. I stand before you as a man with a Commitment to Terror, but an Obligation to use the word Freedom. I speak to you from a position of Strength.
There are those who suggest that the disaster of epic proportions we have created in Iraq and Afghanistan has necessitated that we must return to this body, admit mistakes and humbly beg for help to free us from the political, ecological, economic and spiritual consequences of the atrocity we have inflicted on Iraq and on the world. There are those that say that this administration must now cede authority for the reconstruction of Iraq, and also cede authority and control of Iraqi oil to the UN.
But it would be a mistake for any of you to think for a moment that an administration as ruthless and corrupt as mine would consider exercising even a particle of common sense. We will not cede to the UN, or to anyone else, authority over Iraqi oil, simply because controlling the world supply of oil was always the entire point of the exercise.
And to those people that say America or its President has made a mistake, I say we will not falter, we will not fail. I, as President of the United States, am constitutionally incapable of humility of any kind, and as a duly non-elected representative of a select group of American corporations, you must know where I stand. As I stated early in my Presidency, when publicly reversing a campaign promise by rejecting the Kyoto treaty on global warming, “first things first is Americans.” And as I have already defined the term for you in this speech, there should be no doubt what is meant by use of the word “Americans.”
We Americans possess a type of fierce fighting spirit that the world rarely sees, unless Americans find their backs up against a wall. As the President of the United States, I bear ultimate responsibility for American policy throughout the world. I have violated international law and the Geneva Convention, invaded another country on a false pretext, killed thousands of people, and bankrupted the American economy. Now that the carefully manufactured and orchestrated mass delusion which we used to fool America (if not the world) is beginning to lose its effectiveness, this administration’s back is against the wall. With me, a multimillionaire Texas oilman military deserter, this is personal. I am here tonight to call upon the UN to fulfill its obligation to bail me out of a jam, so that I can once again appear to be elected.
Because I also have an obligation. I must continue my mission of invoking the word Terrorism, and talking about Freedom, Democracy and Justice, while striving to achieve domination over my fellow Americans and over all of you, the lesser nations of this earth. No less a power than God Himself has commanded this of me, and I have a solemn duty to obey.
I am here tonight to send a clear message to the nations of the world. Do not make the mistake of thinking that temporary advantage can be gained by stalling on the Iraq issue, and trying to extract concessions from me while average Americans get wise to the magnitude of our deceit and corruption, and my poll numbers fall. This foolhardy strategy will not allow you to shirk your responsibility to participate in your own oppression.
Do not make the further mistake of thinking that falling poll numbers in America reflect a strong likelihood that this administration will not retain power. Our power is not dependant on elections. All that is necessary is that my poll numbers do not fall below a certain critical level. Right now, new and easily manipulated voting machines designed and sold by partisan Republicans are being installed all across America. All they have to do is to yield results that are only barely believable when I am declared the winner in the 2004 election. Because of our new system, nobody will be able to independently verify election results.
Do not forget that America has already tolerated massive corporate fraud which cost taxpayers billions, and that this fraud was, and still is, being perpetrated by some of my closest friends and campaign contributors.
Do not forget that Americans have already tolerated this administration leading them blindly into two devastating wars that have increased the threat of terrorism rather than reduced it.
Do not forget that Americans have thus far tolerated the creation of record deficits, the loss of millions of jobs, and an overall economy that gets steadily worse while my rich friends receive massive tax cuts, and Halliburton and Bechtel earn billions from the mess we created in Iraq.
Do not forget that Americas have tolerated the Patriot Act, and may tolerate its expansion, even though it has severely restricted their constitutional rights, and despite the fact that the provisions of the Patriot Act have nothing to do with protecting American citizens, but are designed instead to protect us from domestic political dissent.
Do not forget that the American people have thus far tolerated the deaths of more American soldiers since I told them we had won the war, than died during the war.
Do not forget that tens of thousands of civilians have been killed in Iraq and Afghanistan, and that the American press and public does not even seem interested in seeing them accounted for.
Do not forget that Americans have thus far tolerated the staggering financial cost of this war. Do not forget that the Democrats in Congress have rolled over almost every time we have asked them to. Despite a bit of grumbling, they are already falling for our latest $87 billion dollar request for more money, and they have very little of substance to say about it.
Do not forget that we own the media, and that it is our media that conducts most of the polls that Americans hear about. And above all, do not forget these words: Terror, The War on Terror, Freedom, Obligation, Terrible, Duty, Terrorist, Responsibility and Terrifying.
For America, a nation run by oil billionaires and corporate thieves, a nation of giant gas guzzling autos, and a nation that has deliberately crafted no plan to achieve domestic energy independence, retaining control of Iraq’s oil is in our vital national interest. And we can only retain that control if you, the nations of the world, provide us with massive financial support. We can only retain that control if you now send to Iraq your sons and daughters so that your troops, and not ours, may be killed there in increasing numbers.
And thus, once again we warn you, the United Nations, the Security Council, and the nations of the world: Do not to threaten the vital interests of America.
But even as we warn you, do not forget that being faithful to the interests of the USA also has its rewards. If you have any doubt that this is true, you can discuss the matter with our closest ally and loyal friend, Prime Minister Blair. Thank you, and goodnight.