You Can Be Deliriously Happy
by Paul Dean
June 5, 2003
Good news for all of you anxiety sufferers out there! Are you are stressed, upset or depressed over the current state of our democracy? Worried about the complete breakdown of logic, and the absence of compassion on the part of our government? Do you lie awake at night, worrying about your job, your future, your retirement, lack of health care, and permanent war? Do you fear a worldwide backlash as a result of America’s belligerent foreign policy? Upset at the loss of your civil rights at home?
These worries, and many more like them, can soon be a thing of the past.
Yes my friends, through an amazing new application of existing medical technology, in combination with major advances in control and dissemination of information, you can completely eliminate all worry about the blatant totalitarian nature of our government, freeing you to blissfully accept, and even embrace, the march towards fascism!
Sound simple? It is! How many of you have hoped and prayed for relief from these well founded and difficult to suppress worries? How many of you have attempted to drown those nagging fears by immersing yourselves in ultra- nationalist patriotic displays? You’ve tried flag waving and unquestioning support of authority figures. You’ve tried to conquer your own fears by trying to silence and intimidate others whose questioning of these trends has made you feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, and frightened.
If you are like many Americans, you have done all of the things described above but it just isn’t enough. With each new revelation about the inconsistencies, lies, and disinformation foisted upon us by our government, that nagging sense of worry returns. Despite your best efforts to ignore the truth, and to listen only to sources that support your illusions, you are still troubled by the fact that “news” stories like the Jessica Lynch rescue tale are now revealed (by our closest ally and even by our own corporate press) to be nothing but manufactured lies. You still have difficulty overlooking your government’s multiple violations of international law, resulting in the deaths of thousands of innocent civilians. Or perhaps the fruitless search for the all important, but apparently nonexistent Weapons of Mass Destruction has gotten you down.
If you, like millions of others, still suffer from anxiety over these troubling events, the time has come to take decisive action. You can put all such worries out of your mind once and for all. At long last there is an affordable new treatment that utilizes the best elements of medical science, psychology and corporate engineered mind control. Now you can achieve guaranteed, permanent results, with very little effort, and minimal expense. Now, you too can have your very own, FRONTAL LOBOTOMY!
I can already hear you skeptics out there, with questions such as: Haven’t lobotomies been around for decades? What‘s so fresh and new about this idea? Isn’t brain surgery a bit extreme? Since I already watch FOX News and read the New York Times, why would I need a lobotomy? Wouldn’t it be redundant?
Read on, silent sufferers, because this is the only product on the market today with the power to put your mind completely at ease. Don’t allow your fear to stand in the way of its cure.
The Lobotomy has been around for a number of years, but its therapeutic potential has been limited by a reluctance on the part of practitioners to expand its use to treat common anxiety. But our cutting-edge research indicates that eliminating the area of the brain that carries out analytical functions is the only foolproof way to eradicate the cognitive dissonance caused by awareness of the huge discrepancy between reality and pro government corporate propaganda.
Think about it. If you no longer have the capacity for rational thought, no longer have the ability to discern fact from fiction, you will be free to live a hassle free, happy life. You will be unconcerned with the annoying and petty details of life, free from the burden of having to distinguish between right and wrong. Only then can you be truly free to wholeheartedly support unspeakable atrocities committed by your government and paid for with your tax dollars.
Sure, corporate media is doing its part to exclude any mention of stories that might disturb your peace of mind. And in the wake of the recent FCC decision to allow further media consolidation in the hands of ultra right wing billionaires, like Rupert Murdoch, you can expect even more disturbing news to disappear from the headlines. But can you really expect corporate media to do the whole job?
We maintain that it is too much to ask that government and corporate manipulation of information provide you with all of the relief you seek. For insight into why this is true, you have only to look at a few of the basic assumptions that they must sell you before you can feel good about your government. Just look at this partial list.
A. Waging unprovoked, preemptive war will preserve peace.
B. The world will be a safer place after America embarks on an expensive new arms buildup, constructs new nuclear weapons, attacks sovereign foreign nations at will, and demands that all those same nations that we are attacking, threatening and arming ourselves against, must immediately disarm.
C. Massive tax cuts for billionaires in a time of ballooning deficits, while teachers are being laid off nationwide and social services are being slashed, will be good for average Americans. The extra cash available to people with multimillion dollar annual salaries, will be just the money that inspires these billionaires to start new businesses. The incredibly large and ever expanding gap between rich and poor, has left the super rich perpetually just one massive tax cut below the threshold at which they will suddenly be inspired to invest in an all-out effort to provide jobs for unemployed Americans.
D. Providing Israel with billions of dollars worth of weaponry every year and looking the other way while the Israeli government seizes Palestinian land, destroys homes and kills civilians, is an essential and helpful part of the Peace Process.
E. Concentration of media ownership in the hands of a few billionaires will lead to diversity of programming. The concept is succinctly expressed by this equation: Monopoly=Diversity
F. Obvious lies are not lies, because you can trust us to be balanced and fair.
G. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.
Do you see what we are getting at here? You subject corporate media in America to highly unreasonable expectations if your hope is that they can convince you that your government is acting in your best interests. The task, for them, is no less daunting than it would be for you to attempt to convince people that pigs can fly.
You have a deeply rooted, even pathological need to feel good about your country, and this need already enables you to overlook many obvious inconsistencies. But to really feel good, you need be absolutely free of worry about the direction chosen for your country by your leaders.
Sure, you could resort to time consuming, difficult and frustrating political activism, in an effort to improve your country to the point where you could feel good about it. But there is a better way. As the late John F. Kennedy once so eloquently said, “Ask not what your country can do for you, but rather, ask what you can do for your country.” The answer to that question, my fellow citizens, is simple. Get a Lobotomy.
You deserve the peace of mind that only a Lobotomy can give you. And all you will have to sacrifice to find that peace, is a small piece of your mind.