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Column Right
Wife Swap: Bitch Slapping the Liberal Media, Part One
by Jolene Fystenbutt
October 5, 2004

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As you can imagine, television and America-hating Liberal Hollywood offers little in the way of edifying entertainment for a Christian mother of three beautiful children. As a responsible and caring parent, I try to limit my children's viewing time to just over six hours a day. But I'm glad to report that a positive trend has begun to emerge on our nation's television sets; an encouraging sign that “hope is on the way” for homemakers across this great country of ours. 

The Christian majority, who have for so long been ignored by the far left Hollywood establishment, is finally making inroads towards bringing the backlash back to the forefront of the culture wars. It thrills me to say that we are finally ushering in a new era of strictly enforced gender roles not seen since “Queen for a Day” went off the air half a century ago. Tell me you don't hear church bells pealing out across this great nation of ours as we tune in to watch yet another reality show celebrating matrimony and narrowly defined mommy/wife roles for women. This sudden onslaught of backlash programming like FOX's “Trading Places” and ABC's “Wife Swap” couldn't have come at a better time for this concerned and blameless parent of a troubled twelve-year-old. It pains me to admit that our otherwise perfect daughter, Misty, regularly burns her twig thin arms with the lit ends of my Virginia Slim Menthols -- a filthy habit she picked up while she was still in diapers.  

Misty, as you may have guessed, is going through a kind of rough patch, typical of “tweens” all over this great country of ours. You see, ever since I first parked her highchair in front of the TV all those years ago during the Clinton administration, she got nothing but a steady stream of Liberal lies, telling her that traditional feminine values were absurd and contemptible.  Why, she was already mocking baton twirling and “Little Miss” pageants before she was even old enough to wear her tiny tot “frontier whore” outfit, (complete with fishnets and a bubble blowing cigarette holder) I had specially sewn up for her third birthday. The immoral Liberal feminist elites who control the airwaves constantly mock and sneer at the great character building institutions that this great country of ours were founded upon: Majorettes, Miss Teen USA, The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders and virginity pledges. Is it any wonder that little Misty has her priorities so screwed up?

A while back, Misty announced that she was “Wicca” (Our father, who art in heaven, hallowed be they name….) and started lining her eyes and lips with boot polish. It's bad enough that she resorts to sniffing oven cleaner when she's unable to pry the childproof caps off my Oxycontil “prescriptions” (thank God my kids understand the dangers of medical marijuana). But what really concerns me is her utter indifference to the blessed and intractable bond of man/woman matrimony.  “Bite me”, she sneers, when I suggest we take a trip to the mall for a makeover, hoping she'll get the hint that pierced, boot-blackened lips and bandaged, pus-encrusted wrists don't bode well for her chances of walking down the aisle. Unless, of course, she's planning to make the trip on a gurney.  But as usual (just ask my husband Hamm), I digress....

Gathering all the strength I could muster from our glorious Savior, I sat down at the kitchen table and wrote this letter to every media organization that I could think of. I'll reproduce my letter here so you, too, can chain mail it to every concerned Christian parent on your list to ensure that the Liberal media understands they're no longer in charge here:

Ladies and Gentlemen, 

As a concerned Christian parent of three beautiful children: Trent Reagan (6), Misty Dawn (12), and Hamm Travis Jr. (18), I am very concerned that your network has only contempt for stay-at-home moms like myself who want to instill Christian virtues in our children. Could you please (in the name of the Baby Jesus) do more to encourage values that reflect this great nation of ours under President George W. Bush, and all the terrific, young men who are fighting the foreign Saddam loyalists in Iraq? To think, that while these brave patriots are out there dying for our freedoms, their wives are at home in front of the TV, being duped by the liberal Hollywood establishment into thinking that honest and virtuous stay-at-home wives and mothers are somehow inferior to single, sleep-around working gals. Imagine what this is doing to the morale of our troops overseas? 

I think it would be really terrific if you created a reality show centered around a God-fearing, cookie-baking, Hummer-driving, gun-owning, American mom with three beautiful children and a devoted, loving husband whose name is Hammond Travis Fystenbutt Sr. -- or “Hamm” for short.  In case you're thinking that the idea is brilliant -- genius even, but needs a little jazzing up, how about if this mom “swapped” places with a working mother and proved to the American people how children suffer when their mothers put greed and selfishness ahead of raising them in the Biblical way.

“Jolene”, you're probably saying to yourself right now, “as much as we peddle smut and put forward an alternative lifestyle agenda on our liberal network, we can't possibly air a program based on ‘wife swapping’.  That's just too ‘out there,’ even for us.”  Naturally, I share your concerns and I can assure you that I wouldn't open my home to just anybody. The working mom who would be swapping places with our stay-at-home heroine would have to be morbidly obese or otherwise sexually out of the ballpark, and sleep in the utility closet, equipped with a trip wire alarm system activated by the slightest movement. Needless to say, our more attractive, weight conscious heroine's commitment to Christ and her license to carry an unconcealed weapon would cure her new “husband” of any funny ideas he might have about the premise of this show....

Well, you can imagine my surprise when ABC aired its latest hit reality show, “Wife Swap”, which was supposedly based on a British program of the same name.  Nice try, ABC, but as you can see by the documented proof above, witnessed and signed by my loving husband, Hamm, “Wife Swap” was a “Jolene Fystenbutt” original.  I have to say, I was a tad disappointed that ABC didn't take my advice.  Instead they chose to pander to a demographic that would allow their impressionable babies to watch “Finding Nemo” without first editing out Ellen Degeneres' voice on the soundtrack. In true left lib “diversity” mongering fashion, “WS” went out of its way to highlight class differences in America in a wholly negative way. I thought it was downright hateful the way the wealthy wife/mom was ridiculed for her hefty monthly clothing allowance. Call me old-fashioned, but where was the similar outrage over the suspiciously Sapphic tendencies of her white trash counterpart, who drove a school bus and chopped her own wood for a living?

I have to admit, that I tuned out as soon as it became apparent that “Bitch Mom” would spend the remaining time on the program grunting over a woodpile, while “Butch Mom” fried up skillet possum in “Bitch Mom's” stadium sized kitchen.  If you ask me, it was about as exciting as watching our housekeeper Consuela through the nanny-cam, hauling 50 lb bags of cement up the basement stairs. I can honestly say that I share “Bitch Mum's” (who has four nannies for her three children) frustration with the “help”.  Consuela, I'm sorry to say, still hasn't built the patio. Still, as you may have guessed, none of these setbacks have deterred me in the least from getting to work putting my own version of “WS” together. 

Jolene Fistynbutt is a renowned Christian commentator and self-described Security Mom. Dissident Voice, in its efforts at fair and balanced reporting, is proud to include her token voice to these pages. Ms. Fistynbutt can be reached at:

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