(DV) Zingh: Garden Variety Politics

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Garden Variety Politics
by Zbignew Zingh
www.dissidentvoice.org
May 31, 2006

It's summertime, and America's horticulturists are planting their gardens.

Weeds

The first thing you need to do is to remove the weeds. This has been a particularly bad year for invasive, noxious weeds like Quagmire iraqus, a thorny, deep-rooted plant whose shoots are nearly impossible to eradicate. This weed sends out lengthy tendrils that rapidly reach out into neighboring lots causing wholesale ruination of cultivatable real estate. The thorns of the Quagmire iraqus leave deep, bloody wounds and permanent scar tissue. Quagmire iraqus is a hybrid weed created by crossing cuttings of western colonization with neo-con hubris. It grows wildly in the arid, oily soil of the Middle East, but it has now spread throughout the world as spores are spread by the jackboots of returning “Coalition” troops. Quagmire iraqus is closely related to another weed infestation that once afflicted America's gardens in the 1960s and 70s, Quagmire vietnamis.

Washington D.C. is America's worst afflicted region. The Quagmire iraqus weed's twisted, prickly vines have practically enveloped the White House, both houses of Congress, the Supreme Court and the corporate media like so much political kudzu. Green gardeners have noticed that both Democratic and Republican Whoreticulturists insist on spreading Quagmire iraqus to other parts of the Middle East, Asia and South America where there is also oily soil.

Another unwanted growth that gardeners should remove from their plots is the dandelion-like weed called hypocrisy. There are two types of hypocrisy growing in America. Some states, most particularly Arizona, are infested with the Hypocrisy mccainus, while in the northeastern United States, the most prevalent form of the weed is Hypocrisy hillarius. One can barely discern the subtle differences between these two weed genera by looking at them. Hypocrisy mccainus initially grows straight, then bends sharply to the right, especially during election season. Likewise, Hypocrisy hillarius also grows straight and then bends sharply to the right during the election season. In fact, these two species of hypocrisy are so alike that many green-thumbed people consider them to be identical members of the same useless weed-ridden family that should be culled before anything politically useful can grow.

To keep weeds from coming back, avid gardeners such as Vice President Dick Cheney and Attorney General Alberto Gonzales recommend their highly unconstitutional weed-whackers and flame-weeders. These work as well in your yard for destroying unwanted weeds as they do in “black site” off-shore interrogation centers for torturing and beating secret detainees, enemy combatants, alleged terrorists and political dissidents.

Preparing the Soil

Before you plant anything, you need to properly aerate the soil. Recently, many Americans have used the garden tools recommended by George Bush and his Pentagon generals to till the soil before planting: cluster bombs, depleted uranium munitions, white phosphorus chemical weapons, fleschettes, cruise missiles, and bunker busting mini-nukes. “I'm particularly partial to bunker-busting miniature 'nucular' bombs for tilling the soil,” explained Mr. Bush while gently hoeing his White House garden with the treads of an M1A tank. “Mini-nukes kill all the weeds and, in a few million years, you can harvest crops of giant, watermelon sized mutant tomatoes.”

Ornamentals

There are a wide variety of ornamental plants to choose from. There are uraniums, a glow-in-the-dark fluorescent yellow flower that is well-loved by the nuclear power industry. Unfortunately, once you plant uraniums they are nearly impossible to get rid of and the pollen of the uranium can cause irritating allergies like thyroid and brain cancer, leukemia and horrific birth deformities.

New Orleans Forget-Me-Nots are another ornamental variety that many gardeners favor this year. New Orleans Forget-Me-Nots are actually a form of African-American violet. Its delicate black blossoms once grew profusely in the streets and neighborhoods of New Orleans. However, since Hurricane Katrina, many of the native soils where Forget-Me-Nots used to thrive are being paved with concrete or re-seeded with white carnations, white chrysanthemums, and white roses.

Kenny Boy Lay Lilies will also be a popular ornamental plant this year. Although Kenny Boy Lay Lilies, and similar flowers of the genus Capitalis gigantis uncontrollubus, require billions of dollars of Wall Street fertilizer, millions of gallons of privatized water and billions of kilowatt hours of electrically generated light and heat to grow well, politicians love these extravagant bloomers because they tend to drop fragrant green seedpods all over Washington D.C. Plant Kenny Boy Lay Lilies in flower beds along with Jeff Skilling Snapdragons inside a walled, shaded enclosure (like Leavenworth, Lompoc or Terra Haute federal penitentiaries) and watch them blossom in about twenty to thirty years.

The blood-red petals of the ornamental flower genocide appear in gardens around the world, usually on the mass graves of millions of innocent people. Genocide generally blooms explosively and smells like decaying flesh. Nevertheless, Genocide's bright red carpets of flowers and ghastly stench seem to be invisible and unnoticed to most of the Western World until after the flower has completely wilted and lost its smell. After blooming, fields where genocide grew tend to be buried under later plantings and utterly forgotten. Fields of genocide have pushed up over the centuries in, among other places, Armenian Turkey, in Nazi charnels of the Holocaust, in Occupied Palestine, in Rwanda, in the Caribbean and South America, in East Timor, in the lands of the African slave trade, in the Belgian Congo, in Cambodia, in Japanese occupied Korea and Nanking, and in the Native American lands of the United States.

Rachel Corry Roses are a beautiful and delicate specie of flower that, if not planted annually, could become extinct. The Rachel Corry Rose is particularly susceptible to being taken out by caterpillars, particularly Israeli armored D9 Caterpillars. It takes some courage to plant Rachel Corry Roses, particularly because while many gardeners view this flower as a symbol of peaceful resistance to oppression, others have an innate allergic reaction to it and will try to pull out every Rachel Corry Rose that they find, whether in your garden or in a Broadway theater.

An extremely rare flower is the Osama, a tall, highly toxic, thorny-stemmed, perennial that once grew in the desserts of Saudi Arabia. Osamas are an American cultivated hybrid of CIA and Islamic fundamentalist flowers intended to used as funeral bouquets for Russian troops occupying Afghanistan. Osamas are very rare, so rare that in the last five years they have only been seen in grainy videos that occasionally appear on Al-Jazeerah television just when George Bush's popularity polls need a boost. In fact, Osamas are so amazingly unusual that some horticulturists believe that they grow only as potted plants in the “black ops” offices of the CIA.

Fruits and Vegetables

Americans love to grow their own vegetables. Tomatoes are popular, especially the soft, throwable variety that ripen just in time for the traditional tomato-throwing season at election time in November.

Other favorite vegetables that Americans tend to plant are Pat Robertson Radishes, a bitter vegetable with a very dense, very white center that requires no water, no nutrients and no cultivation because it grows by faith alone; John Negroponte Potatoes, a large, deeply planted J. Edgar Hoover-like tuber that sends out secret underground tap-roots into every home telephone and Internet connection in America; and Lieberman Lettuce, a low food value iceberg variety of lettuce that tends to grow best in Republican gardens.

Among the fruit trees Americans might consider planting this year are the Bill Frist Don't Give A Fig Tree (a specie that requires intense cultivation by illegal alien farm workers) and the juicy, giant Impeachment tree. Many people salivate at the mere thought of serving up the ripe, pink fruit of the Impeachment sometime this year. Impeachment pie is an All American desert favorite to which many members of the current Bush Administration ought to be introduced.

Fertilizer

The masters of garden fertilizer are Karl Rove, Grover Norquist and Richard Reed. Ever the organic gardeners, these gentlemen farmers have been making their political crops grow tall by applying liberal amounts of horseshit and elephant dung all over the place. Their “pee patches” have produced several bumper crops of conservative greenery like hard-hearted celery, bitter herbs and Wall Street Four Leaf Clover. Nevertheless, these fellows grow next to nothing that is nourishing for the working and middle classes, people of color, the poor, the aged, the infirm, children, the ecosystem or future generations of Americans. Because of their political green thumbs, these masters of organic fertilizer will be spreading their rich manure all over the country as the political growing season gets under way.

Garden Pests

Bugs are America's greatest gardening threat this year. In fact, thanks to the NSA and America's compliant telecommunication corporations, bugs are everywhere! The new CIA director, General Michael Hayden, has assured us that warrantless “bugs” are only placed in terrorist gardens, not in the gardens of true Americans. Furthermore, General Hayden has told us that the CIA and NSA wouldn't bug any American's garden if it were unlawful to do so. So, therefore, if your house, office or garden is bugged, it must be either because you are yourself a “terrorist” or because the bugging is entirely lawful. Remember, if it were not lawful, General Hayden tells us, the CIA and NSA wouldn't have done it in the first place because they always follow the law. So, “bug off”, say General Hayden, the NSA and the CIA.

Other garden pests to be on the look out for are General Geoffrey “Dusty” Miller Mites, Anne Coulter aphids, dominionist evangelical wasps, and various creepy, crawling things like Tony Blair Noxious Beetles, Giant Scalia Banana Slugs and the ravenous plagues of Lobbyist Locust.

Garden Disease

There are many diseases of the garden. One of the most common is Rumsfeld Root Rot -- a tenacious, deceptive plant disease that ruins everything that it infects. Rumsfeld Root Rot is so destructive that even retired army ants do not want to go anywhere near it. A sure indication that your plants suffer from Rumsfeld Root Rot is that instead of growing straight and true, they lend to lie to one side or the other. Curiously, even though it will ruin nearly everything it comes in contact with, Rumsfeld Rot is nearly impossible to extirpate.

Other deadly plant diseases include mainstream media mildew, Bill of Rights Blight, and the democracy-killing First Amendment Fungus that tends to eliminate all dissent, rot all intellectual fruit, and halt the cross-pollination of ideas.

Keep on Gardening

Obviously, there are difficult times ahead for garden variety politics. Keep on tilling the soil, however. Toss out the clods, tear up weeds by the roots, sow seeds for the future, and keep on ho-ho-hoeing.

Zbignew Zingh can be reached at Zbig@ersarts.com. This Article is CopyLeft, and free to distribute, reprint, repost, sing at a recital, spray paint, scribble in a toilet stall, etc. to your heart’s content, with proper author citation. Find out more about Copyleft and read other great articles at www.ersarts.com. copyleft 2006