November 4, 2003
(Winner of the Jericho
Junior High School Essay Contest)
But when you say you neither love nor hate "America," what do you
mean? What is "America?"
is a joint-stock company shared by various transnational corporations.
is a brutal hyper-state (of mind?) that won’t accept Tragedy unless it falls
out of a plane.
is a saber-toothed beast gobbling resources and farting poison into an already
exhausted environment, the death of which will mean the death of America.
is my Grandmother’s home-made matzo balls and Hungarian Stuffed Cabbage.
stole my heart and mailed it to my wife (she keeps it hidden and won’t say
where -- it is the only secret between us).
killed my mother with Darvocet and lawyers.
called me a “dirty Jew” then sent 3 billion dollars to a guy named Eretz
Israel. I don’t care what America calls me I just wish it would stop confusing
me with that gun nut, Eretz, who stole my Grandma’s matzo balls then claimed
the recipe wasn’t hers at all: it belonged to God, who left the box of index
cards containing ALL of grandma’s recipes (including the Marshmallow Rice
Krispy Treats) to Eretz Israel when He
let me finger her that week my parents went away and left me to baby sit my
sweet, demented Grandfather the Summer of 1980. My first encounter with a
GENUINE REAL LIVE PUSSY came quite unexpectedly and afterwards we ordered in
Chinese (mooshu chicken, I think, and egg rolls).
colorful late Spring evening in America I pitched a shut-out in the Little
League play-offs and they let me keep the game ball (I have it still).
fooled me into thinking I needed yet more education and more and more and now I
owe the bank my life. Thank you America for teaching me hard lessons (I guess
that’s what you meant by “education”).
raped my girlfriend in high school (I knew it was you America so I beat you
bloody in the hallway it took two Gym Instructors and the Football Coach to
pull me off – I would have killed you, America – but really, did beating you change anything at all?)
wouldn’t print my article and I got scooped by the “rival” paper and demanded
to know why so the editor opened the morning edition to the advertisement paid
for by the company I was investigating and America laughed so hard it fell out
loved getting drunk in the back of the Datsun listening to “Get Yer Ya Ya’s
Out” real loud while manic, coked-out America sped down Jericho Turnpike at
eighty-something miles an hour and did “donuts” in the parking lot.
applauded when I shot a duck, a sparrow, a rabbit, a gardener and a two door
Fiat with my pellet gun (age twelve).
taught me to throw a wicked curve when I was thirteen; I struck out batter
after batter till my arm blew out. . “You know, you shouldn’t be throwing curve
balls at least until you’re seventeen,” said America. “Your body’s not
opened her innermost to me when I was seventeen. It felt weird because of the
rubber -- like a cold, dead fish between me and America.
is a huge chunk of stolen property on which 280 million people live along with animals
and plant life. The plants and animals
so angry and depressed it’s killing itself and the world.
can be reached at email@example.com
* MAN Talk