SECRET AND STRICTLY PERSONAL -- US EYES ONLY
President Richard B. Cheney
cc: President George W. Bush, Defense Secretary, State Dept. Secretary, National Security Advisor, and Sir Not CC:D in this memo
Dear Mr. Vice President:
Since you and your neo-conservative "brain trust" cannot seem to come up with a viable exit strategy from the quagmire you have put us in, I have come up with one for you. You and your pals have already made us the scourge of the planet, so I do not think what I am proposing could possibly make the international community despise us any more.
Anyway, here is my crazy plan. LEAVE!!! Bring the troops home now. Just abandon the whole country in the middle of the night, like a Wal-Mart that closes up shop and disappears as soon as a union forms over the horizon. Put Iraq up on eBay to the highest bidder. Maybe Pottery Barn will put up the cash. Whatever!! They insist on blowing us and each other up? To hell with them. Let the inmates run the asylum!! These people can still blow each other up just as easily after we are gone.
What I am simply saying is this: Since your administration has been so callous, morally and fiscally irresponsible, and greedy up to this point, what is the big deal about adding the icing to the top of the cake? When a child gets frustrated with the toy that doesn't work, he just throws it in the back of the closet, only to later find a new toy to maim and destroy. And I am quite confident that you can find another toy to play with, Dick.
Besides Richard, anyone who cannot control the price of oil after taking over the oil fields of the #2 oil producing nation on Earth is to put it mildly, blatantly incompetent. And wasn't that the real reason you invaded in the first place? To strip the place for parts? For God's sake Dick, you could have just sent in an experienced chop-shop and saved the $300 billion!!
So let's leave Iraq to its own devices. Nature abhors a vacuum. Somebody or some bodies will assume power eventually and restore order. If the new government becomes a dictatorship, who cares? Besides, you have to admit that even if you stayed there another 50 years, the moment the last American soldier left, the place will be taken over anyway by brutal Islamic fundamentalists. Let's be real Mr. Vice President. Your administration did spread something in the Middle East, but it sure as hell was not democracy.
But donít fret. If we leave now and the country falls into the hands of another brutal dictator, I am sure that the UN can impose 15 years of worthless resolutions that the new Saddam can ignore too, and then George P. Bush can go back into Iraq in 2020 and film the sorry sequel. And there is the chance that if we do leave, it just might leave Sistani no choice but to finally tell his Shiite flock to dust off their guns and bombs and start using the Sunnis for target practice. If that does not do the trick, point a gun at his head and tell him that if he does not order his people to go John Bolton all over the insurgents, we will flush him down the toilet in lieu of his Koran. They want democracy bad enough?? Make them earn it!! Nobody invaded the American colonies and imposed democracy on us. We rose up on our own and said, "King George (no Dick, not your boss), thanks for the tea and crumpets. But get the fuck out"!!
Anyway, you would be doing the Iraqi people a favor, because all this pent up rage they have inside about decades of minority Sunni domination is no good for them. You want to make the world safe Dick? Give them a reason to take their frustrations out on the Baathists, before they put 2 and 2 together and decide to take it out on another American skyscraper. In addition, let's do the math. There are 3 Shiites for every Sunni. Does the name Custer ring a bell?
After we pack the moving vans and leave skid marks at the Kuwait border, it may not be the order you like. But it will be order. And you tell the new government that if they gas one Kurd or open one torture camp, some of those spent Iranian nuclear plant fuel rods the Russians are collecting could just accidentally turn into weapons grade uranium and detonate in the center of Baghdad. Ooops!! If they ask why, we just explain that we just can't control that Putin. He's one bad Mother Russia fucker.
Hey, think about this too. Your boss and Tony "Downing Street" Blair are such chums? If you abandon pounding the July 23, 2002 round peg into the July 23, 2002 square hole, maybe Tony's Labour friends will decide to withhold the boomerang and let him hang out with George for that whole 3rd term after all.
So I say, let these colors run. Let them run faster than Marion Jones after injecting herself with the entire contents of Secretariat. Let our colors run faster than Jennifer Wilbanks, the contents of an unguarded weapons depot, or the Bin Laden clan on September 13, 2001. Because when it comes to the lives of 140,000 American soldiers vs. 140,000 Iraqi's with (Laura) Welch's grape juice on their pinkies that say "I voted and was not blowed up," I choose America every damn time. And isnít that what "Support our Troops" really means?
If that does not make me a patriot, then Mr. Vice President, go fuck YOURSELF!
-- ARTHUR CREOSOTE
Arthur Creosote, a.k.a. Brad Firestone, is a member of Long Island Media Watch, a grassroots free media and democracy watchdog group. He can be reached at: firstname.lastname@example.org.
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