The Associated Depressed has learned that an anonymous White House staffer tried to sneak the following jokes into Laura Bush's now famous monologue at the White House Correspondents' Dinner on Saturday night. However, Chief White House political advisor Karl Rove managed to catch these and redacted them from her prepared notes before an unsuspecting, and quite inebriated First Lady, read them out loud:
"George's answer to any problem at the ranch is to cut it down with a chainsaw, which reminds me George, when are you going out on the road again to talk about Social Security?"
"But enough about George. Let me tell you about my high school boyfriend. Now THAT was a Texas Chainsaw Massacre!!"
"The amazing thing is that George and I were just meant to be. I was a librarian who spent 12 hours a day in the library, yet somehow I met George. My 'source' arranged the rendezvous in the children's books section. When I first laid eyes on him, he seemed so at home, as if he always belonged there. I sold him his first dime bag. It was love at first sight."
"One night after George went to bed, Lynne Cheney, Condi Rice, Karen Hughes and I went to Chippendales. I wouldn't even mention it except Ruth Ginsberg and Sandra Day O'Connor saw us there. I won't tell you what happened, but Lynne's Secret Service codename is now 'Dollar Bill.' My new name is 'First Swallow'. The Secret Service would have renamed me 'Spit', except that was already taken by Jenna."
"I always tell my husband how lucky we are that we got married. Specifically, I remind him of the 2 biggest reasons: First, he kept diving out of the way of my car (he is my nimble Georgie), and second, his mother cut up all my credit cards the week before the wedding, so I could not flee on the Greyhound bus."
"George says he can't wave a magic wand and lower the price of gas. We'll unlike the President, my magic wand works reaaaaaaaaaaaallly well. Does anyone here have batteries for it? It's out of power."
"Hillary Clinton, Bill Frist and John Kerry walk into a bar. Frist plays a prerecorded videotape of himself warning the patrons about the evils of drink, are you listening hubby? Kerry convenes a focus group to determine what he should order, and an intoxicated Clinton knocks them both out with the nearest bar lamp. You thought I forgot about the damage we had to fix in the White House bedroom, didn't you?!! BITCH!!"
"Who is supposed to be coming on after me? Cedric the Entertainer? George, doesn't he remind you of one of those guys you fried when we were in Texas? By the way Cedric, I loved you in Blazing Saddles!!"
"I'm leaving after this to play golf with Tom Delay at Pebble Beach. I offered to treat, but Tom said 'It's all covered. Don't ask.'"
"Speaking of golf, did Tom tell you about the time when he played a round with Nancy Pelosi at Pebble Beach? That joker Tom!! He managed to reconfigure the entire golf course so that all his tee shots went straight down the fairway and all her drives landed in the water!!"
"Thanks for coming!! Don't forget to tip your call-girl or street-ho before you leave!!"
When questioned by reporters at today’s morning press briefing, White House Press Secretary Scott McLellan refused to comment, but was heard chuckling under his breath “Reconfigure the golf course, that’s a good one.”
(Associated Depressed Newswire)
Arthur Creosote, a.k.a. Brad Firestone, is a member of Long Island Media Watch, a grassroots free media and democracy watchdog group. He can be reached at: firstname.lastname@example.org.
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