interested viewers, the following is an entertainment guide to U.S.
conflicts and wars now playing at a theater near you.
Bonzo Goes To Babylon
In this gripping sequel to the classic Ronald Reagan series, George W.
Bush stars as a catatonic Jesus-freak on a mission from God to save humanity
from evildoers. Director Donald Rumsfeld has produced an absolutely
harrowing, gore-filled account of Christian America recapturing the Holy
Land in revenge for terrorist attacks on Washington and New York. Tense
street battles interspersed with hilarious Pentagon briefings characterizing
the U.S. slaughter as a humanitarian crusade make this one of the most
entertaining films released in 2003. A talented supporting cast of
neoconservative fanatics bent on “owning” outer space and reducing the earth
to a Washington protectorate keeps the audience well entertained throughout.
Their musings about “ending countries” and nuking enemies bring down the
house time and again. Running time: 2 years. Rated X, as some of the corpses
are not fully clothed. Presidential addresses in Bushspeak with English
Zionist Ship of Fools
A darkly comic account of Jewish “survival”, this sci-fi classic shows
humanity repeatedly brought to the brink of nuclear war with Jews insisting
on being the world¹s only uniquely unique people. In an enormous practical
joke, the largely irreligious Jews reclaim the Holy Land after an absence of
two thousand years, contending their “covenant” with a genocidal Bronze Age
God entitles them to nationhood on Palestinian land in the mid-20th Century.
Diasporan Jews are “in-gathered” to the new nation, displacing the
indigenous Arabs, who valiantly fight a losing battle while being equated
with Adolf Hitler. Billed as a haven from anti-Semitism, Israel becomes an
endless nightmare of terror and massacre. Ariel Sharon is simply superb as
the modern King of the Jews. A master of contempt, he shrugs off war
criminal charges, masquerades as the aggrieved party, and locks the entire
Palestinian people in a giant outdoor cage. Rated PPF, i.e., pants-peeingly
funny. Running time: two millennia, though the action doesn’t really get
going until the last hundred years.
Last Tango In Kabul
Elections shot through with fraud are once again hailed as a triumph of
freedom in this dull re-enactment of Washington’s perennial
bring-democracy-to-the-barbarians crusade. Even Osama Bin Laden’s strong
performance as a religious zealot determined to drive the U.S. from the
Muslim world with horrifying terrorism cannot save this dreary farce whose
comedy depends on us enjoying the spectacle of starving Afghans waiting to
be annihilated by American bombs. The film’s only entertainment is watching
Northern Alliance leaders manipulate Washington into bombing tribal rivals
for the settling of petty scores having nothing to do with the search for
Bin Laden. Hamid Karzai gives an unconvincing performance as a liberator of
the Afghan people. Volatile security renders him a prisoner of the capital
and the opium trade thrives under his barely detectable command. Rated R,
due to Dick Cheney¹s cursing. No subtitles, as all the action takes place in
Karzai’s heavily-fortified castle, where everyone speaks English. Running
time: brief; the transition from Taliban rule to U.S. client state occurs
practically overnight. Popcorn buyers risk missing the whole thing.
Bullets For Bogota
In this epic drama hungry Colombians take the blame for shoving cocaine
up the noses of recreational drug users in North America. After years of
undercutting Colombian farm prices with its heavily subsidized and vastly
cheaper export crops, Washington waxes indignant that rural peasants resort
to growing coca leaves, the only crop that guarantees them a decent return.
The U.S. government launches a “war on drugs,” heaping arms, aid, and
paramilitary training on Colombia’s death squad government, which it
pretends not to notice is closely linked to narcotrafficking operations. In
a delightful comic twist, millions of gallons of ether and acetone,
essential for cocaine processing, turn up in Colombia with U.S. corporate
logos proudly displayed on the drums. Among the few flaws of this fine film
is the predictability of the incessant torture and murder of Colombian
peasants, union organizers, teachers, and journalists. Viewers know in the
first five minutes how the story will turn out: Washington’s enthusiasm for
the killers will grow as the dirty war against “narcoterrorism” accelerates.
Ho hum. Brilliant black humor more than makes up for such minor defects,
however. As Colombia is converted to a corpse-strewn wasteland, an anonymous
cast of military officials in dark glasses deadpans that it is saving the
country from “subversives” who intend to cause real harm. Rated PG, i.e.,
patriotically gory. Running time: four decades, from JFK to Dubya.
Guess Who’s Coming To Haiti?
A take-off on the Spencer Tracy-Katherine Hepburn racial classic, this
hilarious little masterpiece tells the story of Haiti¹s popular democratic
movement Lavalas as it sweeps Father Jean Bertrand Aristide to power against
Washington’s preferences for a World Bank candidate. While U.S.-backed thugs
march on Port-au-Prince to depose the stubborn priest for a second time,
American sweatshop owners chip in to defray the costs of torturing and
murdering Lavalas supporters along the way. Meanwhile, U.S. soldiers melt
the hearts of viewers as they kidnap Aristide and escort him into exile for
attempting to reform a status quo in which five percent live in fabulous
luxury and ninety-five percent in absolute destitution. Lending huge comic
relief to the macabre violence is Emmanuel Constant, the former head of
Haitian security convicted in absentia for the murder of thousands of his
people. From the security of his New York exile he derives endless
entertainment watching President Bush’s grave warnings of horrendous
consequences for those who harbor terrorists. Rated RC, i.e., racially
correct, as all the dead are black people. Running time: 15 years, though
flashbacks to earlier imperial bloodbaths encompass centuries.
Goin’ Fission in Teheran
This fascinating tale of lunacy at the top depicts the merry-mixups that
ensue when a cabal of world domination specialists tries to gaslight the
world into believing Iran is determined to commit nuclear suicide. Claiming
to be preventing Iran from acquiring the bomb, the cabal acts so
belligerently they convince Teheran there is no survival without it. The
story unfolds with Washington withdrawing from the ABM Treaty, refusing to
ratify the Comprehensive Test Ban Treaty, and dismantling the Nuclear
Non-Proliferation Treaty, all the while branding Iran a “rogue state”!
Viewers are on the edge of their seats wondering if U.S. troops, surrounded
and cut-off in neighboring Iraq, will resort to nuclear weapons to teach
Muslims not to develop nuclear weapons. Denzel Washington deserves an
Academy Award for his portrayal of Senator Barack Obama, who calls for
“pre-emptive” missile strikes on Iran’s mullahs, whom he insists are
subhuman theocrats incapable of true reason. Rated X, due to Washington’s
Abu-Ghraib-style prison scenes. Running time: from Bush 43 to Armageddon.
The Road To Damascus
A rollicking political satire, this is the updated story of the Apostle
Paul, who returns to life as U.S. Deputy Undersecretary of Defense
Wolfowitz. On a trip to Damascus he is hit by a great blinding light and
hears the voice of God telling him to liberate the Muslim world from itself.
Quickly becoming one of the greatest missionaries of all time, he sets up a
church of neo-fascist Likudniks dedicated to spreading American and Jewish
supremacy throughout the world. A charmingly disingenuous court-jester, Paul
condemns Syria for occupying Lebanon while Israel occupies Palestine and
Syria simultaneously and the U.S. lays waste to Iraq. As part of this
tragicomic “sideshow,” 200,000 Syrians in the Golan Heights protest in vain
at the complete denial of their human rights under Israeli annexation.
Meanwhile, Don Rumsfeld delivers an outstanding performance as a persnickety
War Czar determined to convert Pentagon press conferences into stand-up
comedy routines. While Washington bombards Iraq to rubble, “Rummy” deadpans
that Syria is threatening U.S. national security by shipping night-vision
goggles to the Iraqi resistance. Rated HF, highly farcical. Running Time: 4
years, Dubya”s entire second term.
Michael K. Smith is the author of
Portraits of Empire,
The Madness of King George, and Rise To Empire (forthcoming),
all from Common Courage Press.
Articles by Michael Smith
* Nazis 'R Us