summer again in Bush’s America, and without any significant time in
therapy, the country has more issues than Time Magazine. We don’t
even have to look at “mainstream” stories such as Robert’s nomination to
the Supreme Court or the Karl Rove/Valerie Plame scandal to see the depths
of the psychosis.
At the beginning of last week, I read an
article detailing a death in Washington State. It seems that a man passed
away from injuries
sustained while having sex with a horse. You read that correctly . . .
not a fat person, a genuine equine sex partner was instrumental in his
Now, a story about a guy who croaked while
getting it on with a farm animal doesn’t appear to indict the entire
nation into the loony bin…just this man and his need for some good tail.
But read further: apparently he went to an Internet chat room, where a
barn was suggested as a place to meet, greet, and screw animals. So…it’s
not just one man, but quite a few furry-legged lovers out there in
Washington, all linking up to “Horsehunt.org,” looking for some action
that mere men, women, or battery-operated equipment cannot provide.
Of course, the good government officials in
the great, apple-cheeked state of Washington are on the case, right?
They’re eager and ready to uphold the law against bestial acts against
animals, correct? To act like the sane, rational governmental bodies we’ve
all heard about (but rarely have seen in action.) Nope. Turns out,
Washington doesn’t have a single law on the books to prevent
bestiality…unless you screw a small animal. Then, because the sex will
injure the dog, cat, bird or hamster, Washington can convict you because
it’s not bestiality, but animal cruelty. So, the moral here is this: if
you want to screw a common household pet, you’ll go to jail . . .
but if it’s an antelope, or a cow, or the aforementioned horse . . . go to
town, buddy! There’s even an online support system for you, blazing a new
trail for the friends of fur.
Apparently, America is having this kind of
week, gleefully molesting the spectrum of the animal kingdom, because the
very next day,
a blind man in Florida was arrested for allegedly having sex with his
seeing-eye dog (apparently, it’s truer than we all thought: we’re all
the same in the dark.) Like Washington, Florida has no law against
bestiality on the books, so, according to the article, authorities charged
him with a "breach of the peace, by engaging in sexual activity with a
guide dog." Since we’re talking about Florida, this is hardly news. After
all, the state’s been leading the insanity brigade since the 2000
election. But Washington? Aren’t they supposed to be more . . .
enlightened? I always thought the state Bill Gates built was as bland as
the operating system monopolizing all our computers. Apparently not. The
bugs in this system are clearly tics.
But Washington and Florida aren’t alone
here. Only 33 states have laws against bestiality, which means that it’s
LEGAL in 17 states to fuck a horse.
Let’s stop and ponder the absurdity of this
situation for a second. In 2004, one of the primary ways the Republicans
got the ultra-conservatives to the polls was by putting an anti-gay
marriage initiative on the ballot in many states. In a demonstration of
utter prejudice unseen since the days surrounding Brown vs. the Board of
Education, every single anti-gay marriage amendment passed, Bush got
re-elected and the Christian World™ was safe from those heathen homos . .
. safe to go and do what comes naturally. Good, old-fashioned, traditional
rolls in the hay. With livestock (opposite sex livestock, of course. One
wouldn’t want to appear faggy in 2005. That would truly be crazy.) In
essence, this means that two consenting adults, who happen to be of the
same sex, cannot legitimize their union, but one consenting adult and a
large animal? Now THAT’S a union that’s much closer to God.
But really, aside from being a person who
doesn’t have sex with defenseless animals, who am I to judge? Maybe that
barn in Washington was air conditioned, and the interspecies intercourse
was merely an escape from the record heat we’re getting nationwide. So,
it’s not about sex with horses, it’s about global warming. That’s right.
Despite Bush’s assertion that global warming is an unproven phenomenon,
it’s been pretty damn hot all over the US, with places like Denver setting
new records daily, a mass of wildfires all over the southwest and people
in Texas actually glad to have a powerful, destructive hurricane come and
visit their drought-ridden state (as a Floridian, I advise them to stand
outside . . . perhaps we’ll get a few of ‘em to fly into the ocean.)
But having 90+ degree temperatures
stretching from Florida up to the District of Columbia isn’t evidence of
global warming, anymore than outlawing gay marriage but allowing bestial
sex isn’t entirely rational and sane. Regardless, it certainly isn’t worth
reporting, at least according to the major news networks, outside of CNN.
Apparently, focusing on the great, bitter ideological culture war is much,
MUCH more important than definitive changes in our climate. In fact, the
only news organization that seems to appreciate the crazy heat is the
Weather Channel, where they explained to me the “why” behind the weather
(turns out a big “H” in the west and one over the northeast are the
Of course, the Weather Channel can’t
actually break through to its viewers and be entirely honest about the
situation. Their meteorological staff never utters the phrase “global
warming.” Instead, the anchors smile into the camera, teeth reflective
with their polish, and politely announce “record wildfires in the
southwest, draught in Texas and two new tropical systems off the coast of
Florida” with a schooled and rehearsed smile. Whatever is going on with
the weather, wherever the “H” in the west goes, and however many more
record high temperature days Denver, Tucson, Las Vegas, Reno, Phoenix,
Kansas City, Chicago or Dallas have…the jury is still out on global
warming! And since the Weather Channel doesn’t want you to worry your
pretty little head over things like climate change triggered by greenhouse
gas emissions, they move swiftly past the doom and gloom of the national
map to a weekly weather guide. That way, we can all schedule our next
session of “homosexual demonizing” and our next “hot date with Mr. Ed”
around the flash floods and dust storms that are most definitely NOT the
result of global warming! ‘Cause that’s not news. Or even proven. Who
needs the factual validity of science and the empirical nature of data,
Apparently, Canada. Yes, our neighbor to the
north is acting up again, spending tons of capital on the study of the
climate, participating in the Kyoto Treaty, just so they can better
protect their citizenry from the perils ahead. Not that it matters. Since
the entire country legalized same-sex marriage this July, they’re all
going to hell anyway, those crazy Canucks. The signs are all there:
gorgeous, sunny weather in the mid-70s, a happy, prosperous, non-violent
population driven by (say it isn’t so!) inclusion and tolerance . . .
clearly Jesus is just buttering them up for the big smack down at
Armageddon. It’s only then that Canada will feel the true wrath of God:
forest burning out of control, blinding heat, over-zealous country folk
looking for horses to . . . you know the drill.
Don’t get me wrong: I would NEVER imply that
the way the United States pollutes and destroys our environment, the way
our citizens actively pursue and promote hatred, and the way we have a
penchant for making love to large animals are all desperate signs from the
divine. Signs that point to a future of chaos and destruction.
That would be crazy.
Gordon is an award-winning advertising writer. Working in South
Florida, Aaron has written and produced countless television, radio, print
and web-based advertising. In addition, Aaron is a freelance writer and a
playwright. You can see some of his other work at
and at various stages throughout the country.
Christ Inc.: Faith-Based Fascism by Leilla Matsui and Stella La Chance