How To Get Bush Elected (memo to Karl Rove)
by Heather Wokusch

February 18, 2004

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What the hell are you doing Karl? GW's approval ratings have plummeted to 47% and if the Democrats actually build a coherent opposition (OK, big if ...) you could be joining millions of other Americans pounding the pavement during Bush's only term in office. Karl, get serious. Republican-owned voting machines and Bush Sr.'s handpicked Supreme Court won't be enough to bail out GW this time around. You need an action plan to guarantee November, and here it is in ten easy steps:

1. Make God a Republican mascot

That whole "mission to Mars" thing was brilliant -- appease the Christian right by seducing the general public with Star Trek fantasies. Of course no one expects Bush to actually follow through with any space exploration that doesn't involve militarizing the heavens, but what better excuse to cut Hubble funding and avoid proof the earth is older than biblical interpretations? Brilliant. Now teach GW a few more phrases in Spanish, and go after abortion rights, gay marriage, and Janet Jackson's boob. God bless America.

2. Ditch Cheney

Dick has got to go. His 20% approval rating is crashing through to negative territory and even Halliburton calls him a "risk factor." Clandestine meetings with Scalia and millions in Halliburton stock options have turned Cheney into a conflict-of-interest poster child, and those bribery and money laundering allegations brewing against him in France spell trouble.

So Dick's outta here. He can still control GW from behind the scenes, but get a different front-man. Vice President Giuliani? Tugs on the 911 heartstrings. Or how about Schwarzenegger? Arnie's been faithful to big oil companies in California; he could Terminate the rest of the country too.

3. Go for nukes 

Forget those whiners complaining that Bush's 2005 budget trashes social services and the environment; let 'em eat bunker busters. GW's proposed $6.6 billion increase in weapons spending is just what America needs, and his 200% funding increase for the "Penetrator" nuclear weapon is right on target. You don't need diplomatic carrots when you've got the scariest stick.

4. Parade Evildoers

The "capture of Saddam" -- what a coup! Distracted Joe Sixpack from nasty 911 questions and bumped up Bush's numbers at the same time. Who cares if it really is Hussein or how he was caught? Photos of the mystery prisoner will help Bush next fall, and face it, even former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright thinks the administration already has Osama bin Laden. Just waiting for the most politically helpful time to "find" him ...

5. Pillage/pull out of Iraq

This administration is in deep Shiite in Iraq -- staring down the barrel of civil war and uncomfortable questions about GW's imaginary stint in the National Guard. Veterans love Kerry and the whole Jane Fonda photo-op hasn't seemed to win them back. Karl, tell your boss to cut his Baghdad losses and run.

But first, silence reports about the US-led Coalition Provisional Authority (CPA) "misplacing" billions in Iraqi funds. That's our business. And have Bremer hurry up privatizing lucrative Iraqi assets; insist on full ownership rights for US companies connected to Carlyle, Bechtel and Halliburton.

6. Explode the deficit

So what if the $127 billion fiscal surplus Bush inherited turned into a $450 billion deficit? Who hasn't maxed out credit cards before? Sometimes you just have no choice. Besides, trillions in future shortfalls will disappear as soon as Medicare is privatized and the government can stop providing basic healthcare to citizens. East Asia will loan us as many billions as it takes to keep the dollar from depreciating too quickly, and forget those fools who warn about being too dependent on China. Once we control Iraq's oil and get those nukes online we can write our own checks.

7. Mess with Markets 

Of course you remember markets rallied when it looked like Iraq would not be invaded, then magically rallied a week later at news war was imminent. Weird, huh? But accusations the Bush administration smoothed the path to war by propping up crucial Dow Jones equities are way off base. After all, market rigging is unfair. Sure would be nice if investors were happy before the election though.

8. Spy on competitors

That whole Katharine Gun thing is so overblown -- if this lady thinks it's OK to expose US surveillance operations against U.N. Security Council allies, then she's got another thing coming! Tony should throw her in the slammer. I mean please, Republicans in the US Senate Judiciary Committee infiltrated restricted Democrat communications for over a year until last April, and do you see anyone in the US media concerned about it?

Tell Homeland Security to use the same surveillance tactics on anyone who protests against Bush. Remember Karl, if they're not with us they're against us and besides, there's always room at Guantanamo.

9. "A new Pearl Harbor"

Cheney has been warning "our intelligence shows the terrorists continue plotting to kill on an ever-larger scale, including here in the United States," yet the Bush administration has stonewalled the 911 investigation at every step.

This makes sense.

A conservative think-tank predicted "some catastrophic and catalyzing event -- like a new Pearl Harbor" would hasten the Bush administration's Pax Americana vision, and Pentagon advisors have proposed combating terrorism by stimulating terrorists into making attacks.

In other words Karl, security is best left to the experts. If anyone asks too many questions, take names.

10. No more live interviews 

Russert's soft balls during the recent MSNBC interview didn't help: Bush still looked like an idiot. Have your boss stick to scripted performances.

There you go Karl -- ten easy steps to four more years of Bush and democracy as we know it. God bless America.

Heather Wokusch is a free-lance writer with a background in clinical psychology. Her work as been featured in publications and websites internationally. Heather can be contacted via her website: http://www.heatherwokusch.com.

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