From the official (and short-lived) blogsite
of Jolene Fystenbutt (America's number one Security Mom and Honorary
Co-chairwoman of SLAG (Security Ladies Allied for George).
Posted August 18th, 12:47 am:
It has been chaos here at "Chez Fystenbutt" as SLAG (Security Ladies Allied for George) prepares for its annual chartered bus trip to Crawford, Texas. (Semi-Automatic weapons: check. Revlon Super-Hold Styling Mist: Check. Microwave Popcorn: Check.) This year we'll be joining our “Commanderin' Chief” to clear more than just brush from the Presidential retreat. As some of you may be aware, Crawford's pristine wilderness is being poisoned by a particularly deadly strain of “Goldstaricus Momicus.” I'm referring to, of course, “Gold Star” mom, and number one Presidential pest, Cindy Sheehan, who is currently camped out at Crawford like some deranged stalker, waiting to ambush POTUS with pictures of her dead son, and demanding that the US pull its troops out of Iraq.
Earth to Cindy: The War on Terror will not be put on hold because you have a few grief issues to deal with. Gosh, it's not as if you're the first person in the world to lose a loved one. Did you see my dear friend Phyllis Pinchberry turn into some latter day Patti Hearst when her own dear cousin Kenny's next door neighbor was killed by friendly fire while serving with the Texas National Guard? No, Sir-eee. Phyllis went out and got herself one of those adorable "Support the Troops" Teddy Bears with yellow ribbons festooned all over him, and every time she thinks about Kenny's cousin's next door neighbor, she gives that little fellow a squeeze and gets on with her life and needlework. You could learn from Mrs. Pinchberry's brave example. She's no theologian, but she knows that the Lord sacrificed HIS only son so that we could all live free of sin. Your son willingly gave his life so that we could all live free from Terrorism. He knew that by taking the fight to the Terrorists, THEY couldn't attack our cities and forcibly convert OUR children to Islam. But rather than honor his noble sacrifice for our FREEDOMS, you use his flag-draped coffin as your own personal soapbox to issue your Jihadist Fatwa against our Chosen ally, Israel. Recently, you've even advocated the honor killings of the Bush twins, whom you want to see beheaded and publicly hanged by their thong underwear because they haven't yet served in Iraq. I think you got your own boxer shorts in a twist because you KNOW you are fighting a losing battle and the Saddam loyalists in Iran and Syria won't be around much longer to support you.
And while you and your comrades sit on your Port-a-Potties singing “Kumbaya” and roasting your tofu wieners, the terrorists are no doubt delighted to have found a new Jane Fonda to take up their cause. Just don't be surprised if some of our returning heroes manage to track you down and spit on your traitor face for dishonoring your son's noble service to this great country of ours to put forward your Far Left Agenda. It seems you and your fellow trespassing Terror pawns hate our freedoms almost as much as Hanoi Jane does. So while you're whoopin' it up there in Crawford and giving comfort to the enemy, just remember your son in heaven shedding tears of shame because his mother has forsaken her family duties to set up a terrorist training camp in Crawford, Texas, while his Daddy sits at home alone eating frozen dinners.
Posted Thursday, August 18th. 1:17 pm:
The ladies are getting a little impatient as their Chairwoman makes a last second dash back to her front door to plant a big ol' kiss right smack on the cringing puss of her beloved husband, Hammond Travis Fystenbutt III (Hamm for short) who's pacing the porch in his boy scout uniform. Hamm, bless his heart, hasn't removed it (or the black armband) since attending that fateful Boy Scout Jamboree last month, where the President so eloquently expressed his sorrow for those Scout leaders who were struck dead by lightning. If you had just listened to the President's words that day, Mrs. Sheehan, you'd know that they were meant for your son as well. Granted, it would be nice if God answered all our prayers individually, but sometimes you just have to accept that HE has other plans for us. For example: I know that The Lord in HIS wisdom had intended those deadly lightning strikes for the self-abusing, ACLU sympathizing “infiltraitors”, who use the Boy Scouts to put forward their atheistic, homosexual agenda. But at the last second, God changed HIS mind (as HE is entitled to do) because Heaven needed more heroes.
Mrs. Sheehan, if you're reading this, remember that your boy -- whatever his name was -- is marching with the angels and saluting the Almighty himself. And if you could hear him now, he'd be saying, “Please Mom, don't embarrass me anymore. I died so that millions of others could live in Freedom. Now go on home and let our President enjoy some well-deserved R and R with his loved ones, and stop using me as an excuse to not get on with your life. Really, I'm fine, Mom. The food here isn't half bad and the girl angels are pretty hot.”
Well, I'm going to hand over the keyboard, (while I go off and tinkle) to my dear friend and Co-Chairwoman, Mrs. Stella La Chance -- the lovely wife of my pastor, Fred.
Stella's blog entry
While I'm pleased as punch to be the only genuine conservative in SLAG, I have a bee in my bonnet on a couple of issues. First, my seat in the bus is too squishy, and I'm seated next to Phyllis Pinchberry, who is a flaming liberal and overweight. (Phyllis says that the Pope has greater “moral authority” than the Commanderin' Chief on the subject of fighting Evil!) Second, Jolene (who is my best friend, my wealthiest shopping bud, and a sweet little lost lamb in my husband Pastor Fred LaChance's flock at the DiedForYourSins Baptist Chapel) is wolfing down a shrink-wrapped egg salad Hoagie while shouting inspirational maxims like, “To get to DC, you gotta go thru Crawford!” Tell that to the Taliban! Yeeeeeeeawwww, ya'll!!!), and I'm allergic to boiled eggs. Anyways, like I said, I'm happy to be a Security Mom and on the road to Crawford as soon as we gas up and pass through the black and Hispanic areas in West Akron. (It's hard to type with one hand clutching my purse and the other one squeezing my handgun LOL!)
Let's be serious for a moment, Jolene, honey! Reading about that traitor SIN-dy Sheehan provides an occasion for getting the message out: "Don't Let Anyone, For ANY REASON, Implant a Transponder Chip In Your Forehead or Right Hand!" Cos if you do, you'll likely end up like Mrs. Sheehan -- WITH THE MARK OF THE BEAST!
It's amazing (not really, when you consider the Author) how specific the Bible is regarding the “mark of the beast”: Rev.13:16 -- And he causeth all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and bond, to receive a mark in their right hand, or in their foreheads: -- notice it says “in” not “on”. This fits perfectly since the chip is injected in the hand or forehead. They discovered that the best place to put this chip is in the forehead, but if that's missing, the right hand.
Now take a gander at this photo of SIN-dy Sheehan
Notice how she pulls her “white hat” down real low over her FOREHEAD? What's she hiding, I WONDER? I think the answer is real clear when you notice the “PEACE SIGN” that is erupting from her skull JUST LIKE A PAIR OF HORNS!!!!
Here is some more information I found: Some RED CHINESE country has invented a computer chip the size of a grain of RICE. (What we'll all be eating three times a day -- along with HELL FIRE SALAD AND BRIMSTONE SOUP -- if SIN-dy and the LIE-berals manage to get their way and overthrow the President and replace him with a microchip.)
It seems that my esteemed colleague, Mrs. Stella La Chance is “as pleased as (Planter's) Punch” to be on the road with us, taking the fight to Crawford where Osindy Shee Laden is holed up with her al Qaeda friends. We haven't even crossed the state line and already “Shhtella” has dipped into the liquid refreshments, and she's currently heaving into a ditch where we've left her for her husband Fred to pick up. (Just don't ask me how she managed to have “Roadkill” written in lipstick on the back of her genuine imitation Chanel jacket.) Phyllis Pinchberry keeps complaining that she's car sick, (it doesn't stop her though, from devouring the Krispy Cremes) and my own dear daughter, Misty Dawn disappeared when we made an emergency visit to the ladies room at a roadside truck stop, where she was last seen voluntarily getting into a van with “BTK 666” vanity license plates. I'm sorry to say that we're going to have to temporarily postpone our trip to Crawford. To those of you who have generously donated your hard-earned money to make this trip to Crawford almost possible, thank you and God Bless.
Jolene Fystenbutt is a renowned Christian commentator and self-described “Security Mom.” Mrs. Fistynbutt can be reached at: email@example.com. Stella La Chance is the God-fearing wife of the Honorable Pastor Fred in Akron, Ohio. Mrs. La Chance enjoys cooking food for her husband and 12 children, singing hymns, fighting The Terrorist, surviving The Tribulations and doing her part to hasten The Rapture. She can be reached at: firstname.lastname@example.org. Dissident Voice, in its efforts at “fair and balanced” reporting, is proud to include their token voices to these pages.
Other Deliverances of His Word by Jolene Fystenbutt
Two Conservative Housewives Exchange Views on Winning the Global War on
Terror Through Sound Economic Policy and Bible-Based Prophecy with
Stella La Chance
Other Articles by Jolene Fystenbutt's Alter Ego, Leilla Matsui
Cognitive Dimwits: The Unbearable Rightness of Being with Stella La