ďI Want My Flight Suit!Ē
Leaked White House Transcript (7)
by Lee Waters
June 2, 2003
BUSH, CHENEY, ROVE, RIDGE, ASHCROFT, RUMSFELD
PRESIDENT BUSH: Good morning, Gentlemen.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Hello, George.
SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Reporting for duty!
KARL ROVE: Itís good to see you all today. It is seldom that I am moved to great emotion. But this is one of those days. We have accomplished one of the great goals of right-thinking people in the last seven decades. We have finally and definitively abolished Social Security. And along with it, Medicare and Medicaid. I hope you all realize the magnitude of what we have accomplished.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Yes, Karl. Itís a proud moment for all of us.
SECRETARY RUMSFELD: You got it, Karl. I hope that damn socialist Franklin D.---for Demented---Roosevelt is doing wheelies in his grave.
ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: An act of social terrorism has been reversed. At last the American people can be free of their retirement funds. And their health insurance.
PRESIDENT BUSH: What does kicking Saddam Husseinís butt have to do with eliminating Social Security?
KARL ROVE: The tax cut, George. Weíve bankrupted Social Security. We could never take it on directly. Too hot, politically. So we just chopped the money out of the fund. Weíve gutted $800 billion out of the federal treasury. Thereís no money left for any social programs. The only people that seem to have noticed are the usual liberals. Krugman. Ivins. The Nation. Theyíll get theirs soon enough.
ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: Pointing out that Social Security has been abolished is an act of terrorism.
SECRETARY RIDGE: But sir, soon many elderly people will be bankrupt. They wonít have food to eat, and they wonít have medical care and they wonít be able to work.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Hell, Tom, if people that old havenít saved enough in this land of opportunity to take care of themselves, then they just arenít fit to live. Or to call themselves Americans. Look at the Bush family. Each of us has worked hard and saved plenty. When we retire weíll be just fine. Why canít everybody else be like us? And if they canít be, they can just go to Jesus. Heíll take care of them. Unless theyíre Jews. Or Islamites.
VICE-PRESIDENT CHENEY: Itís all down to basics now. There are three legitimate functions of government and only three: fund our military, subsidize our corporate contributors, arrest our opponents. All else is now officially unfunded.
SECRETARY RIDGE: Arenít we also supposed to protect the country from terrorism?
KARL ROVE: Yes and no, Tom. Itís nice to talk about. But we need a healthy taste of terrorism now and then to keep the public, well, terrorized. We donít want people getting too comfortable. Makes Ďem soft. Makes Ďem think they donít need us.
SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Even makes Ďem think there could be a future for the Democratic Party.
ALL: Loud, prolonged laughter.
KARL ROVE: Well, before we get too smug here, just remember why it was necessary to kill Mel Carnahan and Paul Wellstone when we did. You canít take chances. Those two votes were the margin that got us the tax cut that killed Social Security. You just never know.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Right. Same with Clarence Thomas. Remember, George, how your Dad stuck to his guns about putting Clarence on the Supreme Court even though the nation was in an uproar? Then who wound up putting you in the White House?
KARL ROVE: And never forget all those wimp Democrats that voted for him. Never underestimate the willingness of a liberal to cut his own throat.
SECRETARY RIDGE: So why is it necessary to keep Joe Lieberman and Al From and Terry McAuliffe on our payroll? Why canít we just use the money for other things?
SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Hell, itís petty cash. Those guys would lick a latrine to make themselves look mainstream.
SECRETARY RIDGE: But we donít have sufficient funds to protect our harbors, our airliners, our nuclear plantsÖ.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Thereís no money for schools either, Tom. Thatís the point. Except for our specific uses, government is over. Democracy is over. The Bill of Rights is history. The American nation finally being ruled by the people who are fit to rule it. US!!!!
SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Watch your ticker there, Dick. We donít want you keeling over at the helm during your big moment.
KARL ROVE: Right. Remember what happened to Nelson Rockefeller.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Nelson Rockefeller? What happened? Did he lose his Medicaid?
KARL ROVE: Letís just say he died in the saddle.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Nelson Rockefeller was a cowboy? Did he have a ranch like mine?
ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: No sir, he didnít. But speaking of cowboys, thereís an Indian I think we should be concerned about. His name is Tecumseh.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Who was Tecumseh?
ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: I donít exactly know. He keeps turning up on leftist web sites. Weíre having the FBI investigate.
SECRETARY RIDGE: Tecumseh was Chief of the Ohio Shawnee. He was born near Chillicothe, south of whatís now Columbus. He was a remarkable leader who spoke five languages and assembled a large coalition of tribes against the whites. But he was defeated by William Henry Harrison at Fallen Timbers in 1813. His body was never found.
KARL ROVE: Right, and they later called it Tippicanoe, because it sounded better for Harrisonís campaign. I can relate to that.
SECRETARY RIDGE: Tecumseh was a uniquely powerful spiritual figure. In 1840 Harrison was elected president. When he died a month after being inaugurated, they called it ďTecumsehís Curse.Ē
PRESIDENT BUSH: So?
SECRETARY RIDGE: After that, every president elected on the 20th year died in office, and ONLY those presidents. It was Lincoln in 1860, Garfield in 1880, McKinley in 1900, Harding in 1920, Roosevelt in 1940 and Kennedy in 1960.
KARL ROVE: But then there was Reagan in 1980.
SECRETARY RIDGE: Reagan was shot, of course. When he didnít die there were those who said that lifted the curse. But how much of Ronald Reagan was actually left?
SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Not too damn much. By 1986, Nancy was running the show. She dumped Don Regan. She shut down the fundamentalists. She kissed up to Gorby. She wanted ending the Cold War to be Ronnieís legacy. What a nightmare.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: God, what a bitch she was. Hillary in drag.
PRESIDENT BUSH: So whatís that got to do with me?
SECRETARY RIDGE: Well, sir, you were elected in 2000. Thatís a twentieth year. Some people think Tecumseh might be out to get you.
PRESIDENT BUSH: But heís dead. Right? Isnít he?
KARL ROVE: We canít let these things fester, George. Iíve seen this Tecumseh stuff on the web sites. Itís a perception thing. Weíve got to stamp it out now.
ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: All mention of Tecumseh is an act of terrorism.
SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Just do a search and destroy on Tecumsehís name. Arrest anybody that talks about him or his curse. Crash their web sites. Burn the text books. Delete the dictionaries.
KARL ROVE: He who controls the past controls the present.
SECRETARY RIDGE: Thereís a town in Michigan named Tecumseh.
SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Bomb it. We can hit Ann Arbor, too. By mistake.
PRESIDENT BUSH: I donít like this. It makes me feel creepy. Like when I sat on that toilet seat in Alabama. Whereís my flight suit? I want my flight suit.
KARL ROVE: No need to panic, George. After all, you werenít really ELECTED in 2000. So itís probably not relevant.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Right. Thatís right. All those other guys were really elected, werenít they. I was appointed. We lost by 500,000 votes. That should count for something.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: George, calm down. Tecumseh canít hurt you any more than all those negroes we expunged from the voter rolls in Florida. Itís all just smoke and mirrors. Relax.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Well, I think we should do something to divert attention, then. How about we attack Iran.
SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Great idea, sir. Weíre already on it. Those towelheads wonít know what hit them.
SECRETARY RIDGE: But there are more than 50 million people in Iran. They are much more powerful than Iraq. Their government is not unpopular. We havenít been bombing them for 12 years. We havenít starved them with sanctions. We havenít sent in the UN to disarm them. We might be asking for trouble.
KARL ROVE: Trouble is good, Tom. We like trouble wherever we can create it. Look what weíre doing to the state governments. Theyíre all at each otherís throats, and the public is disgusted. Thatís exactly what we want. Disillusionment. Depression. Denial. A public that is dispirited and downtrodden is a public that will let us do whatever the hell we want.
SECRETARY RIDGE: Yes, sir, but thereís quite a bit of anger about not finding weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Well they didnít find Tecumseh, either, and heís still out to kill me. So why should anybody care about Saddamís weapons of mass destruction? We all knew he didnít have them anyway.
SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Yeah, and that idiot Jew Wolfowitz just got quoted that the whole thing was just a sham. Why do we let people like that continue to live?
KARL ROVE: Oh, hell Don, what counts more: that a few journalists know we lied, or that Showtime is making a movie about September 11 showing George to be a cross between Moses and God. When that thing airs it will be Gospel. Nobodyís going to remember Saddam Hussein or weapons of mass destruction.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Does it show how I saved Private Lynch? That was really one of my great moments. I was wearing my flight suit.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Right, George. And that Congressional report on 9/11 can go straight in the trash can. All that stuff about us ignoring warnings and opening the door to Osama. Nobodyís going to read it. Nobodyís going to cover it. Weíve got George on Mt. Rushmore and all that sweet Iraqi oil driving down gas prices just in time for 2004.
KARL ROVE: Plus Michael Powell burying whatís left of the media. Itís all about pre-emption. Itís all about staying ahead of the game.
ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: Along those lines, gentlemen, we are now rolling out the very latest in law-enforcement. Itís called pre-emptive detention. Itís based on the same theory we used to justify attacking Iraq. We we went to war saying Saddam might have weapons of mass destruction and might be thinking about using them. So now we can say that if someone might be thinking about opposing our policies, we can have him arrested.
KARL ROVE: Itís beautiful, John. I read where you are grabbing people who like they might be heading to a demonstration. Excellent. We canít take any chances.
VICE-PRESIDENT CHENEY: You also arrested some jerk who brought a United Nations flag to the Presidentís cavalcade in Indiana. Why didnít you just shoot him?
PRESIDENT BUSH: I saw that flag. It was scary.
ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: Having the appearance of going to a demonstration is an act of terrorism. Carrying a United Nations flag is an act of terrorism.
SECRETARY RIDGE: There is also a movement growing to demand paper ballots. They claim the voting machines are rigged. They want a paper trail.
KARL ROVE: Ignore them. Nobodyís going to cover them. Weíre using the Florida model nationwide now to eliminate millions of black and Hispanic voters. Like Wellstone and Carnahan, leave nothing to chance.
ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: Advocating paper ballots is clearly an act of terrorism.
KARL ROVE: Itís only a matter of mop-up, now. Total mind control. No social programs. No educational system. No independent media. We are God. Who can stand before us?
PRESIDENT BUSH: Well, Iím worried, Karl. That goddam Tecumseh. I donít want him out there threatening me. I want him found. I want him destroyed.
SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Got it, sir. When can we attack Detroit?
The Free Press: The first of these transcripts came unannounced to the e-mail address of The Free Press (www.freepress.org) in November of 2002. Since that first posting, the author has written us using the name "Lee Waters." We make no definitive statement as to these articles' true origin. To read the first six transcripts visit: http://www.freepress.org/columns.php?strFunc=display&strAuthor=10. © 2003 by Lee Walters.