The outcries at yet another outrage by terrorists results in sending more troops somewhere. As this was the war whoop for Vietnam, it is no wonder that a few Army Intelligence Officers in their plush offices deep in the bowels of the Pentagon, which was not gutted by terrorists, are having second thoughts. As the CIA has engaged in the use of liars, cheats, drug dealers, ex-murderers and other scum of the earth in their never ending quest for intelligence, I suggest the Armed Forces do the same. There is, however, no need to scour the streets for likely suspects, they are conveniently located under one roof, as it were: the U.S. prison system.
I humbly submit that this is a viable alternative on several fronts, aside from eliminating the riffraff from society; for the powers-that-be are predicting a long and protracted stay. Besides, who better to control terrorists than our very own social terrorists who, unfortunately, did not find God and Forgiveness for their grievous sins by blowing themselves up? None better, if you ask me. In the process, the government will be putting the skids to a runaway social program that the country can ill-afford. At $20-30,000 per head per year to house these social reprobates, keeping them in-country is a burden. Paying them Spec-4 salaries is far more cost effective. As many do not have families or families do not want them, there will be no separation pay while on duty. More cost savings. Further, there will be no need to train them as they are already apt empiricists. Our tax dollars can then be put to work in other, more edifying ways -- such as fixing a power grid or a California election.
If the Armed Forces extend this offer to the newly convicted or soon-to-be-convicted as part of the Department of Justice's mandatory sentencing guidelines, the government could further forestall the ballooning prison population and, therefore, tax dollar outlays. Would it not be better if these seedy men and women were to serve their country rather than undermine it? Think what this program could do for unemployment. After all, this is the most used lame duck excuse given for their maladjustment in the land of opportunity. No longer would China or Indonesia or Howard Zinn cry out that America engages in crimes against humanity. Those on death row would be given life. Surely none of these entities could protest against patriotism and serving one's country!
Another and more important effect of this policy is in the way of social demographics. By the year 2010 the white race will no longer be in the majority. Washington think tanks are wondering what can be done about this situation. My plan would solve this assault on the white edifice at virtually no cost or effort. As the vast majority of criminals and criminals-to-be are Black and Hispanic, shipping them off to an out-of-control hotspot would deplete the minorities' numbers enough to lessen the threat to white hegemony. For the reality of the situation is two-pronged: either they will be killed in or out of action (begetting military regalia and a place at Arlington) or be placed on extended duty rosters. As these social reprobates know terrorism and terrorists first hand, who better to go for the long haul? Our megalomaniacal mass murderers would benefit the most. Better to help America live than kill it off.
For these reasons, putting the liars and cheats and druggies and murderers and other scum of the earth to work for their country is the only truly viable option open to a military and a government that have stretched their resources to the limit. This plan will also have lasting and immediate social consequences and lay to rest the neocon bashers’ contention that the government has not the welfare of the American people at heart. There can be no better social program than this: eliminating the criminal element.
As a footnote. . .there are 54 million disabled who yell and screech about wanting to work. Wheelchair wheels have nothing to get stuck in in dry conditions and make the transportation of bazookas, flamethrowers, mortars and grenade launders more cost effective. Dry weather is good for asthmatics and tuberculants. Even the mad populace can be touched: who better to deal with jihad insanity? PsyOps would welcome these experts in the areas of planning, implementation and public relations, I am sure. This would cut down on the Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid burdens that many Americans suffer under.
No one may find fault with my plan and I am sure that the administration once again will not hesitate to take up the cudgel of liberty and justice for all.
St.-Saulte Petre is actually Minna vander Pfaltz, a freelance writer/satirist of no repute. She can be reached at: firstname.lastname@example.org.