Washington, DC -- In a further attempt to conserve the nation’s energy supply and to lower skyrocketing gas prices, Tennessee Republican Senator Bill Frist has introduced legislation in the Senate that would mandate that the Earth’s rotation be stopped permanently so that the United States has daylight 24 hours a day, seven days a week. President George W. Bush has vowed to sign the proposal into law if passed.
When questioned about the scientific impossibility of carrying out such a directive, Frist replied that he recently talked to God, and that God assured him that since he and his political party are the chosen people, that the Almighty would gladly stop the Earth as requested.
Frist remarked that combined with the recent approval to start drilling in The Arctic National Wildlife Reserve, the proposal, when implemented, could help reduce the U.S. dependency on foreign sources of oil by at least 60%. In addition, the Senator stated that the lack of sunlight in the Eastern Hemisphere would give U.S. troops in Iraq a decided tactical advantage, due to their superior night-vision technology.
Reaction by Democrats on Capitol Hill was mixed. Senator Barbara Boxer (D-CA), in an interview with Bill Moyers of PBS, stated that “Frist has lost whatever remained of his deranged fucking mind. The GOP claimed that it had a mandate from the American people to exert dominion over the Earth. As farfetched that such a statement is on its face, to take it literally just shows how arrogant and out of control the majority party in Congress has become. In addition, the common saying that the defendant committed the crime in broad daylight would just become superfluous.”
Boxer has vowed that the Senate Democrats would use the much maligned filibuster to prevent a vote on the floor for the bill. The President has urged Senator Frist, as Senate Majority Leader, to invoke (in his words) the “Nucular Option” to negate the filibuster.
However, Senator Joseph Lieberman (D-Conn) was hesitant to rush to judgment on the proposal. “While my initial reaction to the idea that the natural rotation of an entire planet can be stopped completely is one of skepticism, I am open to any good idea that could help mitigate our nation’s energy crisis. I look forward to reaching across the aisle, in a bipartisan manner, in studying this issue further.”
Senator Lieberman went on to say that “when President Bush’s Social Security reform plan is passed, exposing America’s future senior citizens to perpetual sunlight would give them the energy to work well into retirement age in order to offset the coming drastic cut in SSI benefits.”
The response from the scientific community was one of stunned disbelief. A professor at MIT, who preferred to remain anonymous for fear of being stoned to death, stated that “You just can’t just stop the Earth!! When the Earth is halted, the atmosphere would be ripped off into outer space, and the shear physics of inertia would propel every living being on Earth into space, wiping out all of civilization.”
Senator Frist repudiated the professor’s and Boxer’s comments, stating that “such uninformed statements could only come from persons who believed in a theory as preposterous as evolution”. In addition, Frist said that there is an “Almighty Gradual Rotational Slow-Down Plan” built into the bill. He also praised Sen. Lieberman for being willing to open up a dialogue on the proposal.
Defense Undersecretary of State John Bolton, the embattled nominee for U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, commented on the Fox News show Hannity & Colmes that this proposal is the missing piece in order to win the War on Terrorism. When Alan Colmes reminded him that the September 11th attacks were committed in broad daylight, an enraged Bolton chased Colmes down the hall, throwing papers and pieces of his mustache at him.
Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan expressed support for the proposal, but cautioned that “the stoppage must be timed right in order to avoid bathing China in perpetual daylight. Otherwise, the resulting increase in Chinese manufacturing and exporting capacity would spell doom for the U.S. economy.” When informed of Greenspan’s comments, Martha Stewart declined to comment, but was seen walking away from AP reporters with an evil grin on her face.
Finally, Frist has been invited by the Family Research Council to speak at a special closed circuit event the group is planning in support of the bill. The Council has thrown its backing behind this legislation because it believes that “permanent daylight promotes more family unity, giving them more time for prayer and reflection, as well as making it more difficult for children to sneak out of the house after dark to engage in activities against God.”
FRC President Tony Perkins attacked opponents of the bill, saying that their comments “prove once and for all that they are against people of faith.”
(Associated Depressed Newswire)
Arthur Creosote, a.k.a. Brad Firestone, is a member of Long Island Media Watch, a grassroots free media and democracy watchdog group. He can be reached at: firstname.lastname@example.org.